Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Perspective through Prisms

On the road tonight, I was going back over my day. I was thinking about all my conversations, the interactions I had & the feelings I got from people. One conversation stuck out to me. We were talking about how some people aren't really who they have been or who they really are...trying to find that again.

Well, I pondered this as I drove. Because I feel like I am currently not who I am normally...which got me thinking the person I was, supposed to be the same as who I will be? If the person I am now, is not the same as last year, should the person I was last year be my goal? I don't think so....I hope actually that I am in some ways completely different than the person I was last year. So many things have happened, that it would be a shame if it didn't change the person I was into the person I should be. And we all know transition is odd & awkward....maybe that's why I don't feel like myself: it's because I'm turning into someone else...not necessarily a worse someone, but someone different. And because I don't know who that will be, it feels frightening.'s the positive thought that came through.

Light, when it comes through glass, makes a new, condensed light. Put a few different pieces of glass in front of a light & it will make a few different lights. Okay, stay with me...this will get cool. Imagine that you are like a light, the sun perhaps, that will shine until the end. Now imagine that trials are like glass. They're hard & you have to somehow make it through. Imagine a prism....there's lots of facets, lots of hard things to go through...twists & turns that you can't always see but they're there none the less. When your light goes through it, does it come out the same or unchanged? Absolutely not. It comes out better....brighter, colorful & magnificent. Without the obstacle of a prism in the light's way, you would never know how many colors you light held. And think of how prisms make light dance. Rainbows shine all over a room, just like the people you'll touch when you go through these "prisms". If you didn't have that to change you, you'd only shine in one spot....but because of the facets, you can shine to many many many people & show a brighter picture.

My life is changing & shining through a prism. It has to go through something before the new beauty can shine! I'm waiting.....trying to find my way, but can you imagine with me? If your life is going through a prism, what will you look like on the other side?

Thursday, October 16, 2008


This morning I was challenged that I need to be honest with my emotions. Both honest to myself and to those around me, so here I go.

I'm really in a lot of pain.....and I almost feel guilty for always having sad things to talk about. I'm trying to focus on you (friends) so that I can have something else to think about or feel....but I do realize that sometimes I might get "me" focused, and I'm sorry. I do ALSO realize that there is a time for that, where I need to focus on healing & working through all the stuff that has been happening around me.

Most days, I really don't want to hang out with anyone....because I just have to explain again what happened. And I need to, want to....kinda, but not all the time. So if I seem to not be calling for a while, know that it's nothing against YOU, it's more me. That said, I really do NEED to hang out & do some fun things where I don't have to think about my pain. I need to see that there is life beyond this current state. Coerce me, bribe me, kidnap me, whatever you have to do to not let me just waste away....ask me more than once....I'll probably cave in. ;-) If I don't, then just pray for me.

Here are some of the thoughts that were given me today: "When you are suffering, you may sometimes tend to withdraw, pull back, and pull away," says Anne Graham Lotz. "I do think there is a time for that, and each day you should spend time alone with the Lord. But don't forsake other people, because other people can give you comfort and encouragement and help you keep your focus. Sometimes you can get so preoccupied with the problem that it consumes you. Other people can help give you a balance."

God wants you to be truthful with yourself and with other people. He wants to free you from the debilitating effects of withdrawing and hiding your emotions. Jesus says in the book of John that "the truth will set you free."

Love you.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Run in Freedom

This morning, I woke up to the beautiful rat-tat-tatting of rain on my windows, giving me a good reason to wake up & take my barefoot self outside on the deck to enjoy the morning. There is not much like the scent of rain in the early blue-dark morning. This morning, I brought with my Bible to read....before I put it away, I looked in my journal and found a Psalm that I had written about a year ago! As I read the section, something new splashed out...see if it does that for you too: "I run in the path of your commands for you have set my heart free." (Psalm 119: 32) I RUN....this caught my eye. So often I look at things that Christians do or how we feel our life should be lived, and I see it as stepping on eggshells, don't step too hard, too fast, to far away, too much of ANYTHING. Be careful when this happens, watch out when you see many warnings it feels like everything is under constant scrutiny. But this describes our "walk" as a RUN! When I read this, I pictured someone running with all their heart, not having an end, just endlessly running with passion. No where near eggshells.

Just a thought for your day.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Change from Sluggish, I'm sluggish. I watched tv almost straight through from yesterday at 1:30 to this morning at 9am. Yep, my mom asked me if I was in denial and my answer was "no, i'm just not wanting to do anything." ....aka, yes. I KNOW that I cannot just sit here, but I really just want to try. There's nothing that really interests me today, except my really good haggen daz carmelized pear & toasted pecan ice cream that's alone in my freezer. I think literally, I could wear my pajamas until they fall off me....or I'm forced to take them off for the safety of the public.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."-John 16:33

I'm trying to remember this, but then another wave of blah comes closer & I have to remind myself what the heck i was trying to think about. oh yeah I, oh well.

Someday, maybe not today, I'll change. This too will make me into a stronger person, right? Sure. Sometime maybe. Not today though.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

There will be a day...!

My grandma's life just got a lot went into the beauty of eternity, a grace filled place that I have yet to discover personally. My God, has decided that he would like my spitfire of a grandma to visit Him and be reunited with my grandpa. What a wonderful knowledge I have, that someday she will be with me again, but what bittersweet peace this is today. Some of my favorite memories of my grandma were when she would wash my hair as a child...I'd cry because of my sensitive head, and she'd turn the brush over, bang the top of my head with it, and say "I'll give you something to cry about!" This sounds really harsh I'm sure, but really it is so funny now to think about it. Another thing that I remember is when my cousin & I would sing at the dinner table. She would always tell us not to sing, but since our hearts were overflowing with music, we'd always get punished. She would lock the two of us in a broom closet about the size of 1'x1.5'...with no way out. This was horrible, until we figured out that we could sing in the closet as loud as we'd like and there wasn't anything worse she could do to us! ha. A few summers ago, after my grandpa died, I moved in with her so that she would have someone around her to take care of her & keep her company. Early on in the summer, a thought came to mind that I should write notes to her that she would get when I was already gone for work. I would write a simple thought & verse for her everyday. One day, around lunch I got a phone call from my mom asking me why I hadn't written a note that day. I had forgotten or been late, I can't remember now, but until that point, my grandma had not said anything about those little notes....but that day, she told everyone in my family that I had forgotten...I didn't know just how much that meant to her. She was always so sweet, happy, abundantly joyful & brimming with the Spirit of God. Her faith was consuming & contagious. She was witty, a smart-alek and a great story teller. A few years ago I began asking her questions about her life, who she was, what it was like growing up in the 40's, what her family was like. I remember coming to visit one day and she had begun writing her story for me! She had about 12 pages handwritten notes about growing up on a farm, what her parents were like, all kinds of fun things to know about! She wrote it like a letter, it was one of the sweetest things she'd ever given me. After that, we'd talk about writing her story & we'd come up with questions all the time that I'd want to know...she'd always tell me something, even if she wasn't always positive about what she remembered. Something I'll always remember, was when she told me about meeting & falling in love with my grandpa. I asked her one day about when she knew she loved him. She answered "Well, I never really liked him!" I was shocked, utterly speechless. She went on to tell me that when he first asked her out, she really didn't want to go, but decided it was either go out with Ray or stay home...she decided to go out. She continued this for a while, not really caring how much HE cared for HER. Then one day, she said they were at a party and all she wanted was for him to hold her hand. She said she almost went CRAZY because she wanted to hold his hand so bad. That was when she knew that she loved him. She was one of the strongest women I knew. Whenever something would go wrong, she would see it, acknowledge the pain or trouble and then move on. She was never one to linger too long on the bad. Although, she would always want to know what was troubling you and then make sure you understood that she thought whatever was happening was terrible! She'd always say in her own way "Well! Can you believe it?" And she'd give a shocked face & raise her hand before slapping the table. She was so cute. One of the sweetest & craziest grandma's I've ever known....the only one I've ever known. I'm going to miss her like I don't even know.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008


So today, I being "thoughtful." No, I don't mean to be praising myself for being so nice to people around me, I'm probably being really bad at that today. But I mean I'm thinking about a lot of things. And when that happens, the smallest of those things can send me into a thought clear across the universe, with emotions that can feel out of this world. I was writing on Julie's wall today, and I saw on "wall-to-wall" that I had laughed about how we knew each other. I couldn't find where that information was, and so I thought....maybe if I search for her like a random friend search, it'll say that! Well, when I tried to do that, it said there was no Julie Steiskal. I tried again, spelled it different, it wouldn't let me find her. Even in MY friends, I couldn't pull up her name! I got a little panicked....and yes, i still can't find her that way, but I'm not panicked anymore.

So it got me thinking about searching for God. I really need Him now more than ever. Particularly today. Something is working in me, and I feel so close to the edge. You know when you're driving on a road where the tar is about 6" higher than the gravel curb, and when you get close to the edge you can feel your car being pulled over. You struggle to keep it on, and when you're right on the edge it's like "come on, come on...don't go over." Well, I feel like that. I feel like I'm right on the edge & I could go over, but I'm still holding God's grace, I'm still holding on.

God says "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13) I am trying to seek with my heart, but some days I don't know how. "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." (Romans 8:26) This is what I'm trusting in....that the Spirit will take my unconscious prayers to the throne of God. "You said, 'Woe to me! The LORD has added sorrow to my pain; I am worn out with groaning and find no rest.' " (Jeremiah 45:3) Sometimes this is how I think, and I don't want to think this way, so I pray "May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." (Psalm 33:22)

Just a few things to search for...a renewed strength, a fresh mind, a conscious faith & passionate soul.

The Ultimate

Things to dwell on:
1 Thessalonians 5:16-24
Romans 12:9-21
16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

19Do not put out the Spirit's fire; 20do not treat prophecies with contempt.

11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

21Test everything. Hold on to the good. 22Avoid every kind of evil.

9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

23May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.