Friday, January 23, 2009

Staying in

So when you have a blank slate of a day, no pressing engagements, rushed appointments or fast approaching deadlines, what do you do? Do you stay home? Go out? Call a friend or just sit quiet? Do you try to hide from the world, keeping to your own schedule or do you open yourself up to take on new responsibilities or tasks?

People have often told me....I did this thing, so that I didn't have to just sit home alone. I guess the option is: stay home or do something? Often times, I'd prefer to stay's rare that I get time to just do things I'd like to do, or spend the afternoon in pj's reading on the couch, so if I get the chance, I'll take it. And yet sometimes, I'll fill it with so much "stuff" that at the end of the day, I feel like another day off is needed, just to recover! Ha. I'm sure you know what I mean.

And what about when you know an old friend will be at your old favorite spot, and you're not sure if they'd REALLY like to see you, but you'd REALLY like to run into them, and so.....there's the choice: do you go or not? I guess it's kinda like staying you stay home & control what's going to happen, or do you go, opening yourself up to something that could happen either good or not so much? What does this have more to do with? Honesty with yourself? Courage in social graces? Boldness in breaking old boundaries? Curiousity in the unknown?

Too many times I trust in my own imaginings of the future situations, to trust that whatever God desires in that situation will happen. Contrary to my own occasional belief, my mind is NOT all knowing, or powerful enough to manipulate a situation into the way I'd hope it to go. Hm. I guess it's just a reminder that.....whether it's my day off, or an unknown situation, to just trust God in opening myself up to what He may have for an agenda. It might be a whole day "off" but it may just be a good time to be "at work" for God!?

Saturday, January 10, 2009


How is it that people can make you cry so much? Songs conjure up so many sorrows & truths, breath & life....Ah, I just can't stand it. Today was a "great" day, on many counts. I sifted through 2 month old mail, read another few chapters in my current book, briefed myself on the news, cleaned my apartment & was in my pj's until 3pm. Although, it was just a lonely day. There was something hitting me today, that just wouldn't shrug off. Even though the thought of actually seeing or being with another person made me shudder, all I really wanted to do was just sit with someone. Feel their arm around my shoulder & know that I could cry & cry without judgment. Then there in the car tonight, listening to deafening music, one of my past favorite songs came on and as I'm singing the lyrics, the chorus came on & I burst into tears, realizing what I was singing....."not alone, no we're not alone now, honey. we'll make it home 'cause we're not alone." As I cried out the words, I realized that was God's little reminder that as lonely as I felt today, He was there with me...the whole day, not just then, but I didn't realize it until I was in the car.

How long o'Lord, must we wait, how long until you calm our spirits, until we meet you face to face & you dry our every tear? Why can it not be today? Why can it not be right now? I long for you, search for you & hold fast to your promise. ....

Tuesday, January 06, 2009


For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men. (2 Corinthians 8:21)

Lately, the thoughts of expectations have been clouding my mind....bubbling over into frustration & questioning. This person expects this of me.....the other expecting something else, one more expecting me to go here or do this, act this way or say this one thing. It's frustrating. It bothers me when I feel that people expect much out of way or another. Expectations of people can be good, challenging them to live up to things greater than their own self imaginings. It can also be a weight, dragging a person into continuous performance mode in which they are always doing what other people expect and not looking at who they really would be if they did their own thing. It seems that I also am one of those people who expects much out of the people who surround me. I expect that leaders will be good examples, I expect that teachers are knowledgeable, I expect that students are curious, I expect many things.....and yet because of that, I somehow believe that those same expectations are reflected back onto my life, and probably accurately so to some extent. It is then that I feel pressure, sinking into my soul, to this way, know this thing, return this faster.... And being a person who really does not like to "be who everyone expects me to be," I sometimes do things that are opposite of what I want to do, because they're exactly what you EXPECT me to do. In high school, I was the pastor's kid....people had certain expectations about me because of that, and I never thought that was fair because it wasn't MY choice to be the child of a minister. So, in defiance to the "expectations," I would say certain things, act certain ways that I really didn't WANT to do, but I did it anyway to say "see, I'm really not that good," or "there's more to me than you think." When really deep down, I probably WAS a lot of what people assumed about me, but wasn't confident enough in it to stand up for myself. Lately, it feels that this type of thing is beginning to cycle around....people expect certain things and because I don't feel "worthy" or "capable" or "motivated," I choose to do the opposite. Take longer on an answer, show up late to an event, cancel on a close friend for no good reason. It's kinda like the passage in Romans, chapter 7:15-25 that says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

So can we change this ourselves? The expectation would be yes....we are powerful, strong, confident people who have the ability to change how we act. Yet, that is a worldly expectation that gives US power that should be God's to yield where He chooses. Therefore, think about the following & pray with me as we struggle to be confident dependents on Christ: I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)

Thursday, January 01, 2009


You know it ain't easy, For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it, In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade, And flowers they bloom, And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away, They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately, Whenever you come around me

These feelings won't go away, They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that, Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away

Check out the music & (not great) video...

Black & Blu but NEW

We've all seen way too much
But we can't look away from the sun
A silhouette was burned in our minds
It's gonna take so much time
To forget what we've seen, who we met, where we been

So thinking about the past year, the good the bad, the ugly & yet awkwardly beautiful, these lyrics describe it greatly. They talk about how we all get beat up & bruised, and that it's going to take a lot to get all the pain & "stuff" off of our lives.

Starting this year fresh, hopefully it will be a year of....who knows what. Hopefully nothing like this year, but yet hopefully a lot of growing too, learning & adventure!

There will always be time to lick my wounds, put steak on my eye & cry more....but there will not always be time to live here, with you & share how God has blessed me. Help me in my prayer that whatever happens this year, that we will have confidence in Christ's direction & will for our lives. That He will be glorified in what we do & that if we are asked to take a new step forward....that we will.