Who can I trust?

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You, I will trust in You, I will trust in You. When I am afraid, I will trust in You in God whose word I praise." (Psalm 56:3-4) This song keeps playing over & over in my head....it's a child's memory song that I learned long ago, and thankfully it comes up on days like today, when I just question....who can I trust when I am down & unsure?

The verse goes on to say, "what can mortal man do to me" and....to that, I know there is nothing that they can really do.....but there is still pain from their choices & deeds against us.

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." (Psalm 62:8)....but I ask that you "Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in You." (Psalm 143:7-9)

...I guess I just don't know who to trust right now...things have been falling apart, people not living up to their word, so much junk around, that it's in times like these that I need to remember the one thing I know I can trust in is Christ. "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man...." (Psalm 118:8) This verse is being proven more and more each day.....just trust in Him....and when I am afraid....of the future, of people, of consequences, of everything....I need to be reminded that God will not fail me. "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock eternal." (Isaiah 26:4)

A Story Worth Living

We all have stories....some are comedies, some are tragedies, some are romantic & some are just plain stale. Wherever your story fits on this grid...it fits...somewhere, because we all are living a story.  But what is making your story great? Are you inviting people to live out that story with you? Are you drowning in character development with a character that never does anything? Are you frustrated that your climax scenes never get the "aha" resolution like in the movies? Are you intrigued by the chapters, enough that you keep wanting to go further & further into the story?

I've been thinking a lot about story. I'm pretty sure I've already blogged on this somewhat, but it's in my mind again. Listening to music like Grace Potter, and her sweet crooning of "are we falling or flying"....a lot of this has to do with perspective...but your perspective is shaped by your story, right? somewhat?

In Ezra, he is a scribe that writes the Jews' story of coming back to the homeland & rebuilding their temple after so many years in captivity. What a story!  The captors release a certain amount of captives to go home & rebuild a temple, that has so much importance to them. It's pretty amazing to me that the captors did that....and it's also pretty amazing how the people wanted the temple rebuilt so bad, that obviously they weren't just sitting around in captivity going along day to day....they wanted that temple, and they wanted it bad!  I don't think it was really so much about the "temple" as it was about wanting a place to worship the one true God....but giving Him a place to reside was important for the Jews. They took steps to push for this goal, made pleas, petitions, spoke to apparently the right people, and when they got the chance, they took it!  The set to work right away, and praised God while fasting on their trek back to Jerusalem.  Amazing. They made their story a glorious one....not one of defeat.

It's about going after something, and not being afraid to face obstacles along the way. It's about trusting that God has quite the story to tell through you, and not just sitting around waiting for it to happen. How many stories have you read where all the main character does is think & sit on the couch?? (Okay....I've honestly read one like this, and it was the most pointless, aggravating, frustrating book I've read....I kept waiting for something to happen, and when it ended & nothing HAD happened, I wanted to die.) Alright, so....you get what I'm saying?

This is getting long, so I'll wrap up.....and maybe I'll make a Part 2 to this particular topic.....but what kind of story are you living?

My friend was inspirational, she challenged me to do things I'd never done before. I wanted something bigger than what I'd ever thought possible....when she died, that dream of mine got cloudy.  But then...what I wanted was to honor her inspirational life. Many of us did. We set a goal, and figured out all the things we needed to do to get there. We invited people into our story (which makes it hard to give up)...and last summer, hosted a 6k to allow kids the chance to go to a summer camp....kids whose parents are imprisoned & would never have been able to go otherwise. It's a small story, but it IS a story.  It's continuing, and it's exciting!

What kind of stories are you making?? Share them with me!

Being held

I haven't always felt it, but I'm starting to today. Plates are falling...the one's I've been trying to balance, and it's making me quite nervous & irritated. The loud commotion that I can't quite seem to calm, stirs my insides in a way that can't be silenced. But today, I was given a gift of being held. In prayer, in though & in loving touch.

Something I've noticed this year, is how much touch is a form of love for me. Just having someone put their hand on my shoulder, or to bump knees with someone, or to just be held in a longer than normal embrace. It does something to that back & forth feeling within me, that I can't quite explain. Today, someone reminded me of us resting in God's hand...with His touch, holding us. Gently. Tenderly. Firmly. Not letting go. I loved that. Some days I just wish that someone would just come along & hold me. I can't always ask for it, I just want it to happen. And today, I remembered that when I don't get that in human form, I'll always get it and AM having that from my heavenly Father.

He's holding me, giving me a kind of rest that is not human, that is not the same as sleep, but more closely resembles peace within my soul. A gentle caressing of the spirit that will settle my deep restlessness. To rest, open & unafraid in His large hands is beautiful. A song I played this week gave me this peace too...

I am tired and weary, but I must toil on
Till the Lord comes to call me away,
Where the morning is bright and the Lamb is the light,
And the night is as fair as the day.

There'll be peace in the valley for me someway,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.
I pray no more sorrow and sadness or trouble will be,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.

There the flow'rs will be blooming,
the grass will be green,
And the skies will be clear and serene,
The sun ever shines, giving one endless beam
And no clouds there will ever be seen.

There the bear will be gentle, the wolf will be tame,
And the lion will lay down by the lamb,
The host from the wild will be lead by a Child,
I'll be changed from the creature I am.

No headaches or heartaches or misunderstands,
No confusion or troubles won't be
No frowns to defile, just a big endless smile
There'll be peace and contentment for me.

There'll be peace in the valley for me someway,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.
I pray no more sorrow and sadness or trouble will be,
There'll be peace in the valley for me. ---Thomas Dorsey, "Peace in the Valley"

Home...

Walking, stumbling, to a home I've never seen. This is the way I go, and the path that we are on together. The way of Christ is so unknown, unpredictable and yet unchanging. He IS. Only by looking toward Him are we able to see just who we truly are, who we are created to be. When we look at ourselves all we see is who the world has made us, or who it tells us we should be. It is only when we look to Christ, and God the Father that we can clearly see who we were made to be, who we aim to be and where that person should go. Maybe not where--God doesn't always tell us that but He sometimes says how--we know how all we have to do is look at Christ.

So while we walk with Christ in sight, we are moving forward, but if we get distracted or carried away we may stumble. We don't or won't know where we're going if we don't keep our eyes on Christ. And how will we know? We are heading to a homeland that we've never seen before--none of us. All the more reason to look and follow after Christ. He knows the way. He IS the way. Only He can lead us home and give us the peace that our souls burn for. Only then can our sails be loosed and our anchors et--we will be home.

When I can't feel You...

I haven't been writing recently, due to many things, but mainly it's because I really only write when I feel God trying to teach me something, or if there's a big revelation that has taken off some blinds.  There has been this wall that felt to me like it was growing wider & wider, keeping me from something, anything that had life in it.  I've been seeking this life, but it felt so distant, far away & unreachable.  Things kept coming at me that would make me to feel it, cut to my core & make me uncomfortable in where I was...unsatisfied.  Some of this unsatisfaction is a good thing, a good reminder that my life cannot be about me but about other people & helping others who can't help themselves.  Yet those twinges of sickness, about the depravity of abandoned children or sickened friends, came in highs & quickly would depart from my mind.  This is something that I noticed, and it seems that if loving is a lifestyle, there shouldn't be such drastic desires & then thoughts of nothing....right?  Anyway, I've been really loose in my quiet times with God, really not making it a priority, though in my mind it really is....yet actions say more than my thoughts ever will.  Once again, He has spoken to me through voices that surround me daily, friends who continually speak into my life....more than they may ever know.  Also, a song has given me the words I've forgotten to sing.

It says "There's a distance in the air and I cannot make it leave, I wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might. I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here, but the comfort of you near is what I long for. When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same, when I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray. And I want you more than I want to live another day, and as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful."

You see, I haven't been faithful....to this amazing Father that has given me everlasting life & abundant joy, I have been the one to leave the way, to stray & forget that these relationships take lots of work.  Even when I get busy, there's gotta be time that is set apart to dwell in the goodness of Christ, his grace & peace.  Without seeing Him all around, I lose vision, passion & direction.  It's like driving in the dark, without lights....how will you learn to drive, let alone get anywhere without looking for the light?  

God, I need you now more than ever....Thank you for being the faithful God that you are, ever present & willing to hold me when I come back crying out for your mercy.  

----

How is it that people can make you cry so much? Songs conjure up so many sorrows & truths, breath & life....Ah, I just can't stand it. Today was a "great" day, on many counts. I sifted through 2 month old mail, read another few chapters in my current book, briefed myself on the news, cleaned my apartment & was in my pj's until 3pm. Although, it was just a lonely day. There was something hitting me today, that just wouldn't shrug off. Even though the thought of actually seeing or being with another person made me shudder, all I really wanted to do was just sit with someone. Feel their arm around my shoulder & know that I could cry & cry without judgment. Then there in the car tonight, listening to deafening music, one of my past favorite songs came on and as I'm singing the lyrics, the chorus came on & I burst into tears, realizing what I was singing....."not alone, no we're not alone now, honey. we'll make it home 'cause we're not alone." As I cried out the words, I realized that was God's little reminder that as lonely as I felt today, He was there with me...the whole day, not just then, but I didn't realize it until I was in the car.

How long o'Lord, must we wait, how long until you calm our spirits, until we meet you face to face & you dry our every tear? Why can it not be today? Why can it not be right now? I long for you, search for you & hold fast to your promise. ....

"Sideways"

You know it ain't easy, For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it, In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade, And flowers they bloom, And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away, They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately, Whenever you come around me

These feelings won't go away, They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that, Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away

Check out the music & (not great) video... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8cMy-Jmoso

Black & Blu but NEW

We've all seen way too much
But we can't look away from the sun
A silhouette was burned in our minds
It's gonna take so much time
To forget what we've seen, who we met, where we been

So thinking about the past year, the good the bad, the ugly & yet awkwardly beautiful, these lyrics describe it greatly. They talk about how we all get beat up & bruised, and that it's going to take a lot to get all the pain & "stuff" off of our lives.

Starting this year fresh, hopefully it will be a year of....who knows what. Hopefully nothing like this year, but yet hopefully a lot of growing too, learning & adventure!

There will always be time to lick my wounds, put steak on my eye & cry more....but there will not always be time to live here, with you & share how God has blessed me. Help me in my prayer that whatever happens this year, that we will have confidence in Christ's direction & will for our lives. That He will be glorified in what we do & that if we are asked to take a new step forward....that we will.

I know...

"I do not know what lies ahead, the way I cannot see; Yet One stands near to be my guide, He'll show the way to me. I do not know how many days of life are mine to spend; But One who knows and cares for me will keep me to the end. I do not know the course ahead, what joys and griefs are there; But One is near who fully knows, I'll trust his loving care.

"I know who holds the future and I know He holds my hand. With God things don't just happen, everything by Him is planned; So as I face tomorrow with it's problems large and small, I'll trust the God of miracles, give to Him my all."

This is a song by Alfred B. Smith and E. C. titled "I Know Who Holds the Future," which I just found tonight while playing old old "Singspiration" music on the piano. The words & truth behind those words brought me comfort & I thought I might share that with you.

"This week has brought me down a path of darkness & decay. But lately I've been feeling that it might just go away. This evening I laughed, I cried & I prayed, all for different things. And then I thought a simple minded joyful heart also prays & sings! The joy tonight I feel inside, deep deep within. And laughter fills my every thought, knowing I'm cleansed of sin." ---me.

TEAR5

This weekend was very trying on me. Saturday evening I took part in a Novembering service at Church of the Open Door. It was beautiful, every part…we lit candles, sang beautiful songs, remembered those who we have lost & grieved with each other as we sat & wept. Maybe not everyone wept, but I sure did. I slept deep that night & woke up crying. Not a hard cry, but just a solemn finality of life cry. Sunday morning I listened as my dad preached on suffering & hope. I did not want to hear about hope…don’t get me wrong, that’s the ONLY thing getting me through each day, but I didn’t want to hear it. I cried the ENTIRE service…from the first songs through the last prayer & beyond. I just would not hold myself back, which I know I should not do, but wow did I hurt. Now, as I write this, my eyes are refilling themselves with tears.

There are many reasons why I write to you my thoughts, emotions, feelings & frustrations. I want to be honest. I desire to share, yet am sometimes unwilling to vocalize. I yearn to heal. I need encouragement. I remind myself that “yes, there are things to hope for & people who care.” I pray that through my honesty & openness that you are able to be encouraged.

This morning, I was encouraged. An email I received referenced a verse I have never read (or at least didn’t remember). While the truth is something I hold onto with white knuckles, sometimes I forget. The verse was Malachi 3:6a, “I the LORD do not change.” Such confidence I can have here, and so can you…. It is interesting. The title “lord” means (in my terms) ruler over my life and death. And so I see that amidst the changes of both life and death, our LORD does not change. He is the same yesterday, today & forever.

My prayer for you & for me, is that together, while we seek out what our futures look like, and how our pasts influence how we grow into our future, that we would bind together as friends, brothers, sisters, encouragers, rejoicers & mourners….that we would come along side each other in prayer & support as we approach God in our weakness. In our brokenness, that we would share with each other realizing our inability as humans to recover from this alone. To see that God has given us each other to lean on while we are walking this earth together.

Here's a song that touched me this weekend. It's called "I will Rise" by Chris Tomlin.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg

In the Quiet Moments, He is There

Life giving has come to me through the quiet moments I'm able to enjoy God's creation--alone, yet not by myself. Christ meets me there to speak to me, call me, comfort me & hold me. His joy is ever present--in the breeze, the warm sun, the wet rain, the color of the leaves, the stillness of the afternoon. Those moments He captures your undivided attention to remind you that He is. That He's been there all along--He sees you and knows you, loves you and rejoices over you.God is digging in my heart, finding the pain, frustration and sadness that is longing to be healed. "Soon," He says "soon you will be free." But when? Can I take my pain away? "No, but you can give it over, into the Hands that take hold of your life. The Ones that molded you, formed you & direct you. You'll make it someday! Just trust in Me--I'll take you down the road. I'll show you where to go." I don't know how long it'll take, but with God I'll make it.

"Til Kingdom Come"
(Video) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jSisMP2_F4
Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.

Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.---Coldplay

Healing

Okay, so the following is not something that I've written, but I think I've found my new life theme song....at least for today! It is amazing. Sanctus Real has got it going on for REAL! Aight, here it is:

"Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)"

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...

[Chorus]
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Sometimes

I wanted to post the lyrics to my recent fav song....
Sometimes it's alright to just be alone
Sometimes it's alright to just stay at home
Sometimes it's ok if we lose our minds
Sometimes it's the only way out of a fight
Maybe we'll fall before we take flight
Maybe you're all I've got to lose
They say it's gray, but we see it white
And if I'm lost, thank God I'm lost with you
Sometimes there's only so much we can take
By the time you arrived, we all needed a break
Sometimes it's ok if we lose our minds
Sometimes it's the only way out of a fight
It's ok to fight back, it's alright if you lose
It's ok to give up, we'll still love you if you do.

This song is "Sometimes" by Seabird. Check'm out....love it.
BTW....i'm back from Mexico, give me a call to hang out!