Eggs & Toast

Today is my birthday. I'm 26. I'm now over the hump on my way to 50. haha. This morning I woke up to an overcast sky....something I love in the morning. My dad made me scrambled eggs, toast with apple butter, fresh cherries & strong coffee. It was great.  As I took probably my third bite of eggs though.....he said, "If mom was here, she'd make this really special for you." Obviously I lost it.

It's now 10 o'clock & I've been crying off & on since 7. What is it about those little things, simply having a little breakfast of eggs & toast that gives you thoughts of your mom?  He was right, and suddenly those eggs & toast didn't taste as good...they weren't something I really wanted because all I really wanted was to have my mom here.  This is the first birthday I've ever spent without her.  Even when I celebrated my 20th birthday in NYC, my family flew out to visit me.  When I had a birthday on tour in Missouri, my sweet 16, my parents drove down to celebrate with me.

Birthdays are always big days. I like to make them special for other people, and I always want to do something big for my own simply because it's a great excuse to do something extraordinary.  Here are some extraordinary things I've learned this year......You can always expect the unexpected, People mean much more than possessions, Miracles do still happen, Spur of the moment is usually more fun than something long awaited, When all doors seem closed look up because there might be a skylight, Sunsets over the ocean are meant to be enjoyed on land, Don't think things are always too good to be true, Dare to love and have courage to hurt, Do not settle, and Appreciate any opportunity that comes your way.

This is just my morning birthday thought. I've other more "spiritual" things that I'll write about later.  Enjoy the day!

A little shift.

I think something has changed. Temporarily? It's possible. But changed? Definitely.  A friend asked me very cautiously, if since my mother's death I looked at dying differently. To that I had an emphatic response of "yes...I'm not afraid of it at all." I realize that as a believer, there's no reason to fear death, but sometimes it's not death you fear, but the unknown that surrounds it.  The unanswerable questions that after the fact won't matter anyway.

I remember that when my friend Julie passed away, I was soon after on a trip to Mexico.  There we visited Copper Canyon in Chihuahua.  There was one cliff that we saw, that had a large rock at the very tip.  My friends discovered that the rock--rocked. You could stand on the rock & it would sway on the tip of the cliff.  I wanted a picture out there, but decided I wasn't brave enough to stand on the edge, so I stayed on the "sturdy" rock in front.  Immediately after they took my picture though, I changed my mind & decided I couldn't be that close & not stand at the edge. I quickly turned around, walked right out onto the rock & posed for a picture. Yes, I was probably about 200+ feet above the bottom of the canyon, with not much below me...not ANYTHING below me...but I realized that death didn't frighten me. Why not live life & be a little daring?

This is not nearly as near to the story I just told, but last night as I drove away from my home, I spied a beautiful antique settee on the curb. I wondered, pondered & decided to drive on. Then I had a little twinge...why not turn around & see.  I turned a right and went around the block, pulled up in front of a quaint little house, walked up to the door & knocked. After a few minutes of curious knocking, a girl my age welcomed me with a big smile. I asked about the couch & she vibrantly answered "You like it? It's yours. Think it'll fit in your car?" Huh. See how easy that I was I thought? What did that hurt to ask?

That part of me ...that is sometimes timid & nervous, is changing. I'm growing bolder, braver....little by little. It's a good change, a welcomed change. I'm finding joy in this, and can't wait to see what else awaits!

There has never....

Today the air seems heavy, my limbs feel weighted, one of my fingers has an insatiable twitching....I want to cry every time that I turn around the corner. I don't know what it is about today....I have shivers on the inside and yet I want to stand or run out in the cold rain.  There are no real words to describe....I can't tell you what would make me feel better. Doubtful if anything would.

There has never been a time in my life that I have not talked with my mother for more than two weeks. It has now been almost three weeks to the day that I last spoke to her. It wasn't much...we talked about what was happening, we talked about how she felt and how she didn't want to lose me. We talked about my new website I wanted to make, and how I had found a name I really liked...not for my site, but in general. The name was Lucile Ann.  I told her I liked that name because it was her middle name & my grandma's first name. She told me before I left that day, that she really liked that name, but that I should put an "e" on Anne.


I remember playing piano, her playing music me playing notes. Somehow we always made music together and it sounded beautiful, our mixing of melodies. I remember gardening, weeding, and planting. I remember her stories that snap dragons would bite my fingers off if I got too close....I kept away because she was always truthful. I remember putting our fingers in the water, to feel the coolness & stirring of the unseen tremors of the water.

My joints ache with the pain of an unexpressed sorrow. The anticipation of days ahead leave me with urges to close my eyes and to not think, to not breath, to not imagine. And how can you imagine, when the future is so unclear, and unknown, indiscernible? I breathe. Once, twice, again & again. Waiting & hoping for relief.

Expectation vs. Reality

You know how you expect things....you know they're coming, or you think they're coming...but the way you expect to feel when they come isn't at all how they feel once it becomes reality? It's like your expectations meant nothing because nothing prepared you for this. And no matter how long you'd been expecting it...it just wasn't what it really was when reality hit? Hm.

It's like if you play a scene in your head...you know that Thing A will be happening...so you process all the possibilities & probabilities of what will be the effect of Thing A, that causes Thing B. You convince yourself that Thing B will be great, that it'll be grand, that it will work out. But when Thing A comes along, you react, turning into motion Thing XYZ and not even close to B....and then you freeze.

It happened tonight. As I'm wrapping presents, alone in my parents house. I'm wrapping all of my families presents. The door bell rings, from someone unexpected. Then here on the door is a friend, bringing care packages to my family, because he knows that this Christmas will be different. Yes it will. I knew it would be....I prepared for it. But as I took the packages, thanking him for his prayers & care, I placed them gently on the chair and started to cry. How is it that someone ELSE knew how hard a different kind of Christmas this would be....but to me, I had no idea! I get that this isn't going to be like this every Christmas from here on out....but this one, THIS one....it's just hard & it sucks. And everyone around me knew it....but I didn't. I thought it'd be fine, it'd be an adventure. Hm.

As I'm writing this, two verses come to mind. Philippians 4:7, which says that "...the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts & minds in Christ Jesus." ....So I know that He is guarding me, and will put peace in my heart that I may not understand. And I also know that "The Lord is my Rock my Fortress and my deliverer, my God is my Rock in whom I take refuge." (Psalm 18:2) Therefore I know that He will be the one to bring me through....to bring US through. I may not be prepared for what's next....but I know that when my expectations meet reality, God will be the one who will comfort, provide, protect & reveal all that it is I am to know and do.

Where I want to go....top 22 places!

22. Antarctica If I EVER get a chance to go here & it won’t make me bankrupt, I want to go. Probably wouldn’t last long though because I hate cold weather….but I’d still go.

21. French Guiana Here’s a country that I’d like to see just because….mainly because I’ve met a few people from here, and it’s always fun to see where they are actually from! I found a picture of this old French fort outside of Cacao and if I go, I’d want to make a stop here.

20. Canada I can’t say that this has ever been TOO high up on my list, but the mere fact that I am only hours away from a whole other country, makes me want to go….just to say I’ve been there.

19. Burkina Faso I put this country on the list because I just photographed a wedding, where the groom was from here. Curiosity I guess! This mosque looks really great too!

18. Philippines It seems that dangerous & war prone areas are the ones that attract me. Despite the instability of the Philippines, I’d love to see this unique country.

17. Namibia Not really sure why, but during a missions Sunday at my old church, the country of Namibia popped into my head. I got the giggles during church because I just thought it was SO random. It makes me want to go there & figure out what the reason was.

16. Norway Years ago, I became friends with a few people who are from Norway. Hearing about life there from them, sounded really cool! It sounds like nowhere I’ve ever been….except that everyone in Minnesota is Scandinavian…so it sounds a LITTLE like home, but much cooler. I’d love to see the Fjords and the fishing villages!

15. Netherlands Duh. I’m half-Dutch, why wouldn’t I want to go see where my relatives came from? The locks & waterways sound awesome! As well as I’d love to see how much of my family’s characteristics are from the Netherland culture….or just because we’re crazy!

14. Bosnia One time I was only yards from the border of this country…but it was manned with heavily armed guards…so we stayed away. It piqued my interest & I hope to one day go here after/before one of my Romania trips. Ravaged by war & in many ways still untouched by western culture changes, it would be great to see this country.

13. Israel From the beginning, this area and the people living here, have been such a critical part of history. Wars, conflict, religion, passion & doctrine have come out of this place, so I wonder who wouldn’t want to go here if given the chance. Who knows how long this country will last…so I’d love to go before it’s gone as we know it!

12. India I’ve known many people from India, and always been intrigued by the uniqueness of culture & traditions. The colors here look outstanding, and there can’t be enough said about the food & friendliness of the people. I’ve heard it is very dirty & smells….but I could put up with that while I indulge in their beautiful country.

11. North Korea I remember learning about North Korea in 5^th grade. I wanted to go then…and still want to go now, although I realize it’s very dangerous and currently illegal. Still, I want to explore this hidden & guarded land. Maybe someday.

10. Greece History. Culture. Warm weather. Kalamata olives. Feta cheese. Blue roofs. Need I say more?

9. Brazil Look at these waterfalls & the power in them! They are the Iguassu Falls....and this picture is sick. It makes me want to hop on a plane NOW!

8. Ecuador When I was just a little girl, apparently we had a missionary from Ecuador come to visit our church. I was enthralled by them, and ran around the house saying…(phonetically & emphasis added)… “KEE-TOH, EK-a-door.” I’ve been drawn to it ever since.

7. Croatia This is a land that has been ravaged by war, and yet retains so much beauty right on the coast of the sea. Just soak in these bright red roofs contrasted by the teal blue sea….a—mazing.

6. El Salvador This is some place that I'm just curious about. You don't hear about it often, and sometimes those are the best places! My great aunt visited here once, and got these photos of a man & woman making hats & clothing in a dimly lit room...it captivated me. Where are these people from, what is their life like?

5. Argentina Last fall, I went through a time where employment was uncertain for a few of us. During that time, trying to find hope of something else if we found pink in our mailboxes, my friend & I decided that we would move to Argentina. This country has such diverse landscapes....from snow to beaches, rain forests to deserts. Amazing.

4. Turkey A country full of culture, history, religion & adventure...what's not to love? I recently found a destination here that I simply MUST see some day. It is called "cotton castles" or Pamukkale, where sulfuric hot pools bubble up from the earth & over flow into a facade of snow like drifts, welcoming relaxation seekers to find peace in their warm embrace. (No, I did not copy this.....that is truly what I feel towards this wondrous natural wonder.) AH.

3. Spain (Palma de Mallorca) This is a destination that has been on my list for a while. My Aunt apparently always spoke of Palma de Mallorca as one of the most beautiful places she traveled to....which says a lot, being she was ALL over the world. Two of my brothers' biological siblings live here, so it would be great to visit!

2. Egypt Since I was little, I've always wanted to see Egypt for myself. I'm fascinated with history & archeology, that Egypt would be like a "mecca" type trip for me. Someday I want to dress in colorful robes & ride a camel around the Pyramids.

1. Morocco I want to see Morocco SO bad. It just brings such intrigue & culture. Colors (like in this picture) really draw me to places like this. Also, my Aunt Helen visited Morocco too & I currently have her photos hanging in my room. She caught such beauty that I want to experience it too!!

A little piece of beauty

Have you ever stumbled upon beauty in an unexpected place? Or had it bump into you at a time when you needed to see something of hope? I was reminded of a moment when this happened to me this year.

Beauty inspires me. It allows me to see something & create, fill in the unknowns of the depth below the surface. But sometimes beauty needs to be taken just at face value & heard in the quiet places. This summer, at the end of a mission trip, my friends & I took a week to explore beauty in Europe. The mission trip had been hard, challenging & beautiful in itself, but...I think we all needed a little breathing room to process all we had experienced. On the last evening, the three of us got all dressed up, did our makeup, hair & headed out for a free jazz concert in the heart of Budapest.

The concert was in an upper room of a classic WWII era building, of marble & stone. It was standing room only, and even THAT was crowded. So one of the girls & I decided to grab a glass-bottle coca-cola, and go back downstairs to a little lounge room with two sets of french doors, an over-sized fireplace and a black grand piano. The room was completely empty except for a round fellow, balding & aging quickly with round, inch-thick spectacles & a bow tie. He sat at the grand piano, alone, playing classic jazz melodies.

I looked at him & thought up this life....he was an old man, that lived a normal life. A life that had no adventure and no big casualties. One that was never written about in a book, or would never be mentioned in the papers. He probably had never been married, but had been in love once & had never forgotten her. He lived at home and took care of his even older mother who called him by his full name. Music was the one thing he did exceptionally well, and that was where his adventure was made. It was through his music that he could write songs about the extraordinary things that he never experienced but always dreamed about. Every Saturday evening he would sing softly to an empty room, hoping that his normal life would do something, for someone, someday, somewhere. And that was his life.

Of course none of this was credible in any way, because the only thing we heard from him was in Hungarian...so it was all the beautiful imagination that I've been gifted with, taking hold of the could-be's of his life.

But it struck me then & again today, just how beautiful that moment was. Sitting there with a friend, listening to a contented musician play out his soul through the notes of a piano, in an empty room that was filled with beauty. Such peace surrounded us, such comfort & stillness. What beauty met us there. We didn't think of it then, but I see it now, that God's beauty is like that night. It's simple. It's beautiful & comforting. It draws you in. It is riveting & calm. Hm. To stop & notice those beautiful moments...to stop & notice how God can bring us beauty & peace...to stop & notice that He notices you, and wants to bring us beauty. It's beautiful.

Some of the Greatest People

These past few weeks, various conversations have been brought up in different circles, just about people of real substance, people who really stand up for conviction & have charisma like not so many in this world. It make me think about all the people I've known who've been like that. I don't think everyone knows people who are outstanding characters like this, but I've known quite a few!

Here are a few of the people I've been blessed to have in my life: My Grandpa & Grandma...both of them were so stinking cool. My grandpa had unwavering faith, and a quiet wisdom that came out when you needed it, and was witty at just the right times. My grandma was a bit more feisty, but when times were tough she always told me how we just need to trust in God. My great Aunt Helen, though her memory is now failing, is someone who for the most part I'd like to be like. When I was little, I'd stand in awe at her china cabinet full of trinkets from her travels all over the world. She was a photographer, a traveler, an adventurer & was stubborn. Ha. She never had children of her own, but always made us feel special whenever we'd visit.

Some of my friends have shown me how to stand up against discrimination, for doctrine, with dignity, and through death. These are the people you want to speak into your life, the ones who apologetically live out a real faith, fully relying on God & open enough to share when they haven't. Strong enough to admit defeat & humble enough to recognize others' victories. If I could make one thing certain for you, it would be salvation, if I could ask for another, it'd be that you have someone to admire as a real life liver of the gospel & faith.

I hope that one day I can be that to someone. And may you too one day be in someone's "greatest people" list!

Just a few thoughts...

This morning, I woke up to a partly sunny day, still waking up itself. The birds were quiet, but making preparations for the days business. My neighborhood was rather quiet also, a peaceful air was all about. It was a good morning. Not to mention, it’s my birthday, so when I stepped downstairs, I was greeted with the smells of Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake (Thanks again Renee), and a BEAUTIFUL painted card (Thanks Lisa). It made me smile.

Now I’m 25. Does that make me grown? Probably…..probably more in 5 years, but for now 25 is enough. My parents harmonized the birthday song on the phone this morning, and I was impressed…they responded “yeah, it’s just one thing you learn to do over 25 years.” Which made me think about what are some of the things I’ve learned in these 25 years? So here are a few thoughts….

You really shouldn’t chase a foal from behind….especially when your mouth is within kicking distance.

Ice Cream tastes really good when it’s stirred.

The best way to warm up your feet after playing in the snow, is to hop on the couch, cover up with two blankets & stick your feet under five pillows…..while drinking hot chocolate.

A person should always bring an extra shirt along when wearing a white shirt…you just never know what could happen.

You can never leave the air conditioning on too high when you have a pet nute…and then when he’s frozen, you should never use a desk lamp to “reheat” him…it ends in death.

Carnations will eventually remind you of gas stations.

Black socks make small feet look retarded…..and that is why I despise them.

There are just some things that you want to do by yourself…and no matter how awkward it is to tell people you don’t want them around, it’s worth it.

Walking around a lake at 2am on a clear starry night is the best way to enjoy it!

You might not want to dress up your little brothers in dresses & makeup….they may live to resent you.

Blogging is a really fun & easy way to process & get thoughts out of your mind.

Being surprised by perennial lilies in your garden is a great thing.

Doing a random act of kindness is arguably more beneficial to you than for the person receiving.

Using a Kleenex while crying really does make you look old….however, it’s much more effective than your hand.

Movies should be enjoyed outdoors.

EVERYTING should be enjoyed outdoors.

Parents are brilliant…..but can’t be told that too quickly or they’ll get the big head.

Always listen before you speak, and remember you don’t always have to speak.

You have to be a friend to make a friend.

Try really really hard for things, and if you give up, remember why….and learn from it.

If you feel a strong pull on your insides to say something to someone and it seems absurd, it might be the Holy Spirit……say a 5 second prayer, say something, and see what happens.

If you have a tendency of rocking out in your car, pay attention to the people watching you…..it might be embarrassing.

When you try to jump off of a boat, make sure you don’t land on the edge…or worse.

Notice the people in your neighborhood, and appreciate the varied cultures, languages & styles.

Learning a little bit of a language can take you a long way.

Be nice to everyone.

Angels are real.

There is not many things better than laying out on a blanket, with a good book (or not) and just enjoying the sun, lake, trees, sky, clouds, people, grass, butterflies, birds, waves, boats, ducks….

Life is better when enjoyed & not critiqued constantly.

You should always keep an open mind when traveling abroad, and don’t be afraid to climb a fence.

It’s always more fun to get lost than stick solidly to a map. (If you have the time.)

….and finally, one thing I’ve learned over the last 25 years, is to really appreciate the friends & family that are so dear to me. You are all so wonderful, and I hope to learn more things from you in all of my days/months/years to come. And I know this list was a bunch of “crap” but hopefully someday you might be able to learn something from me in return! Happy Birthday to me, and thank you to all of you who helped make it a special day!

a story of hers

I had a brief thought today, a sweet one, of my grandma & I talking. She was talking, and suddenly stood up & rushed into her room. She returned promptly with a pile of loose papers. Some notebook sheets & some plain white. On it were scribbles, paragraphs, crossed out sections, arrows & lots of exclamation points and parenthesis. My grandma held it out to me, and sat down. She said "I've started my story for you...." She always knew just what I would love. So many days, we would sit together at her table, drinking Russian tea & buttering rhubarb bread, or eating chocolate chip zuchini cake, and talking.....talking about everything that would pass through our minds. (And being Dutch women, it could get pretty random.) She would tell me stories about when she was young, and growing up. Stories about the farm, and the men who would milk the cows. I'd ask her about cooking, or how to fix something. When I would get stuck with a recipe, I'd call my grandma first. I guess I figured I knew my mom would know the answer, but why not go straight to HER source?

Anyway, one day I remember talking with my grandma & asking her if she would write some of her stories down. She modestly told me that she didn't have anything interesting to say. I just laughed. Of course she had interesting things to say...she was my grandma! Needless to say, when she brought out that stack of papers of her stories & memories, I was touched...more than touched. I felt love. She was so wonderful. Always thinking of other people...and I was her favorite, so of course she's do that for me. (That's a joke in my family,....i'm not just conceited.) Those pages, her history & thoughts, the way she would explain what things were....gentle yet so matter of fact.

I'm reading a book now, called "For one more day" by Mitch Albom, and for a second, I thought....if I could have one more day with someone, it'd definitely be my grandma. I miss her incredibly. I wouldn't want to do anything extreme, just take off my shoes & sit indian style on her blue kitchen chairs. Pull up a cup of tea & listen. I could listen to her tell me stories for days. Her facial expressions were one in a million. Oh for one more day. Just one.

A Ray of Hope

This morning, I was on my way to work & the sky looked dreary, almost angry...the clouds were shrouding the sky. The colors were various shades of gray & ....gray. But then as I drove, I noticed a spot, small at first and then I noticed it more and more...this opening amidst the clouds. Clear blue sky shone through. In the middle of this expansive gray mess, was this beautiful section of crystal sky! How gorgeous I thought. Right here is hope that today might actually turn out okay.

I had woken up feeling a little off, as I had a dream that brought up memories I wasn't prepared to think about. It made me think about the hope that we have in the Lord...that someday, things will be better. I can tell you that recently I've felt "good" about where I'm at spiritually, which made me a little cautious because that's not always a good sign... it was clear to me then, that I had been slipping into a state of "okay-ness," not really pushing the envelope with my faith or hope. Then I read Psalm 131:3, which says "O Israel, put your hope in the LORD both now & forevermore." It was like....hello....your faith & hope can't just be one day & not the next. It needs to be always, even when it's rough outside, or even when you're facing your past. I was also encouraged by the passage "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD." (Psalm 31:24) I was encouraged to just keep on.

But where do I look? Apparently the same question was in David's mind too when he wrote "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." (Psalm 39:7) I thought about the clouds, and how it looked so dead....except for that one spot. I needed to look for that spot, and when I found it, it was bright, clear & promising. I knew there was hope. It wasn't contingent on me finding it, but was there anyway. It was there waiting. Steady & secure...above all the troubles the clouds were mimicking. On my drive, I prayed something similar to Romans 15:13 where it says "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

So as "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." (Psalm 130:5)

Defining Moments

The thought occurred to me today to think about those defining moments in my life, when something has shifted inside of me to make my view of life or of myself change. I immediately thought about the moments that huge surprises come upon us, and we are thrown into a time or moment of shock....or maybe awe. But is it really in that same moment that we change? You might argue with me (and not get too much fight from me) that it is in that moment that some things may change, or rather we may realize at that moment that things will be essentially different, but realizing situations or life will be different doesn't necessarily equal a defining moment.

For something to define you, I believe it takes insight, circumstantial change & inner rearranging both in thought & actions. Let's take Black Thursday for example. That was a horrible day & incidents that changed many people's lives. But....let's think. Was it in those moments that people were changed? Or was it in the weeks - months to follow that they were changed? I would argue that it is in the small moments, the ones we barely notice, where we grow the most & where the rest of our lives are defined. It is in the small, quiet moments that reality meets our dreams & the two collide to make a new vision.

It is in those moments where you realize you have to choose to either dwell in the shock of your circumstance of grasp the truth that you hold inside & move forward in a new or redefined direction. Using the knowledge you've gained to cast light on your path. You have to choose to look ahead, not forgetting the past but using it. What you do after those startling days, will define who you are. It will show who the real you is and what you're capable of. For it should not be the circumstances around us that shape who we are, but the change within us that defines our life.

There will be a day...!

My grandma's life just got a lot better...it went into the beauty of eternity, a grace filled place that I have yet to discover personally. My God, has decided that he would like my spitfire of a grandma to visit Him and be reunited with my grandpa. What a wonderful knowledge I have, that someday she will be with me again, but what bittersweet peace this is today. Some of my favorite memories of my grandma were when she would wash my hair as a child...I'd cry because of my sensitive head, and she'd turn the brush over, bang the top of my head with it, and say "I'll give you something to cry about!" This sounds really harsh I'm sure, but really it is so funny now to think about it. Another thing that I remember is when my cousin & I would sing at the dinner table. She would always tell us not to sing, but since our hearts were overflowing with music, we'd always get punished. She would lock the two of us in a broom closet about the size of 1'x1.5'...with no way out. This was horrible, until we figured out that we could sing in the closet as loud as we'd like and there wasn't anything worse she could do to us! ha. A few summers ago, after my grandpa died, I moved in with her so that she would have someone around her to take care of her & keep her company. Early on in the summer, a thought came to mind that I should write notes to her that she would get when I was already gone for work. I would write a simple thought & verse for her everyday. One day, around lunch I got a phone call from my mom asking me why I hadn't written a note that day. I had forgotten or been late, I can't remember now, but until that point, my grandma had not said anything about those little notes....but that day, she told everyone in my family that I had forgotten...I didn't know just how much that meant to her. She was always so sweet, happy, abundantly joyful & brimming with the Spirit of God. Her faith was consuming & contagious. She was witty, a smart-alek and a great story teller. A few years ago I began asking her questions about her life, who she was, what it was like growing up in the 40's, what her family was like. I remember coming to visit one day and she had begun writing her story for me! She had about 12 pages handwritten notes about growing up on a farm, what her parents were like, all kinds of fun things to know about! She wrote it like a letter, it was one of the sweetest things she'd ever given me. After that, we'd talk about writing her story & we'd come up with questions all the time that I'd want to know...she'd always tell me something, even if she wasn't always positive about what she remembered. Something I'll always remember, was when she told me about meeting & falling in love with my grandpa. I asked her one day about when she knew she loved him. She answered "Well, I never really liked him!" I was shocked, utterly speechless. She went on to tell me that when he first asked her out, she really didn't want to go, but decided it was either go out with Ray or stay home...she decided to go out. She continued this for a while, not really caring how much HE cared for HER. Then one day, she said they were at a party and all she wanted was for him to hold her hand. She said she almost went CRAZY because she wanted to hold his hand so bad. That was when she knew that she loved him. She was one of the strongest women I knew. Whenever something would go wrong, she would see it, acknowledge the pain or trouble and then move on. She was never one to linger too long on the bad. Although, she would always want to know what was troubling you and then make sure you understood that she thought whatever was happening was terrible! She'd always say in her own way "Well! Can you believe it?" And she'd give a shocked face & raise her hand before slapping the table. She was so cute. One of the sweetest & craziest grandma's I've ever known....the only one I've ever known. I'm going to miss her like I don't even know.

Who are Those People?

Who are those people who have driven you to grow deeper in your life? This question was posed to me twice this week. It’s something I don’t think about, yet their mark is heavily ingrained on my life. A part of who I am is clearly because of who they were or continue to be. These people hold a special place in my soul, whether they realize it or not. They each have projected a distinct facet of Christ’s glory & purpose to me in many different situations. Below, I have written a short description of a few of these people, but have not listed names…you’ll know who you are I hope. You deserve blessings beyond what I could give you or thank you for. You are what Christ meant when he sent us out: living vessels that proclaim the gospel in & throughout your life. For this, I say thank you.

Wonder Woman--She is a friend who is always encouraging other people, always leaving messages of hope & love. Her bright spirit & happy smile is contagious. Though we do not live close, I know her friendship is just as true now as ever. She’s given me such a vision of a great, fun, exciting mom & wife can be.

Papermaker—Her friendship is irreplaceable. Her fun & energetic life is inspiring. I know that conversations with her can easily go from funny stories to deep conversations about life & what it means. Sharing my thoughts with her is so easy because she is the kindest person that I may have ever met. When I see Carnations I think of her, though I know she thinks of gas stations when she sees them.

Longhorn Lovers—This couple could not be a better example of a vibrant couple living their life & faith together. When I’m around them, I feel such acceptance & love. Real, genuine care comes from them and they never make people feel like a third wheel. Encouragement & strength is abundant here.

Boulevardier—He is a leader & an example of family vs. visitors. He is a bold, straightforward speaker of Truth in Christ. The way his family has accepted me into their home & life has been life changing. Seeing him live out ministry among many cultures gives me a vision of heaven on earth.

Messianic Heroine—She has been a friend for so long that I cannot imagine life without her. Though we’ve never lived closer than 1442.10 miles, our friendship has grown very close. Her stories make me laugh & sometimes cry. Her bold thoughts have helped me embrace my own thoughts & not keep them hidden. I live though her soap opera drama lifestyle, and appreciate her insight into my REAL life.

Memory Keeper—This woman showed me what it was like to love people. She genuinely loved everyone from the UPS guy to the person behind the register. She proclaimed Christ in a humble way that not many people do, simply through caring deeply for those around her. Her life cannot be replaced with memories but will never be forgotten.

Vintage Thoughts

So this is really random, but last night I was thinking about all these fun things I used to like...do any of you remember the little jelly packets that used to come with oatmeal? You could make fun designs on them....or just eat it plain. mmm Okay, yep, and how about when we would seriously spray paint our hair a rediculous green color for HS homecoming games? Or LisaFrank notebooks....seriously, how cool were they! Okay, a little bit more recently, I loved random people meeting in college...baking cookies or oreo truffles with Mandy & then bringing them to the "stud" and inviting people over! Fun. And what about seeing dark shadowy people staring into our windows....and then realizing their just cardboard cutouts of Michael W. Smith? Going to Perkins until ungodly hours in the morning to do "homework" when we really knew there would be absolutely NOTHING accomplished, and who cared? ...then coming home to a haunted house...ah! Or taking spur of the moment roadtrips to....IOWA....of all the places we could have gone! ha.

The Craziest Thing

It's a funny thing when people or situations around you just happen to turn out funny. It's nothing you can plan on or hope for....but somewhere deep down you always do! You can't plan on those things like choking on falafel cause you're laughing so hard and at that exact moment a Jewish midget happens to walk past your window! Or like when you're playing a game of Mexican Train with your grandpa who just had a stroke & as he's moving the train forward he says "tweet tweet"! These moments are priceless....funny, hysterical and worth so much in memories. Then there are those moments where you're laughing at this lady dancing her heart out to some crazy music and realize that she doesn't have a care in the world right now and you would LOVE to be in her shoes. Or moments when people you've never met come to you with a message they believe is from God...and they speak into what you'd been praying about all day but hadn't told a soul! But the craziest thing, is that tonight, after a day of secluding myself in silence (pretty much), I went home to watch the Bucket List. As I cried through the end of "The Bucket List," all I wanted was some water & maybe something sweet. SO I went to my kitchen, got a big glass of water & reached into my "stash" to get a piece of Dove chocolate. As is my custom, I always fully unwrap the chocolate before looking at the phrase beneath. And what was the message I found? "Make a list of your dreams." I laughed, I stared and then cried because somewhere deep inside I just needed to hear someone, something, anything encouraging at that moment. I just wanted to know someone was there & there He was....providing a little comfort & humor in the moment I needed it. A little reminder that God is in every moment of our lives....directing & navigating our path to His good will...and through His good sense of humor!

Detox

Alright, I know you're all thinking.....man, she's going deep with this, and I might by the end, but seriously, I'm just writing to say how incredibly odd my family is! (Though it's rather endearing!) My mom borrowed a "detox" contraption, where you stick your feet in salt water & add this electric thing in the water....and the color the water turns after 30 minutes, will show you what in your body is really needing detox....in theory, if you do this enough, it'll "clean you out." SO....what did we do tonight? Had my aunt, her two kids & all of my fam try it out....while the rest stood around and watched. AH! what a great past time eh? I can't believe this....we're serious crazies some nights.

But bringing this around, don't you wish we had a test like that, where we could stick our feet in the water of life, and depending on the color, we'd know if we needed to really work on pride, lust, envy, greed, or any other thing we are holding above God? It'd be great too if there was something we could do for 30 min. a day, and eventually it'd just be gone! Well, I can say from experience, that God Himself WILL tell you what you need to be growing in or working on, and if you purposefully spend time with Him and His Word, you will see those things working their way out of your life & being replaced with the goodness & purity of Christ himself....AH detox.

The Craziest Thing

It's a funny thing when people or situations around you just happen to turn out funny. It's nothing you can plan on or hope for....but somewhere deep down you always do! You can't plan on those things like choking on falafel cause you're laughing so hard and at that exact moment a Jewish midget happens to walk past your window! Or like when you're playing a game of Mexican Train with your grandpa who just had a stroke & as he's moving the train forward he says "tweet tweet"! These moments are priceless....funny, hysterical and worth so much in memories.

Then there are those moments where you're laughing at this lady dancing her heart out to some crazy music and realize that she doesn't have a care in the world right now and you would LOVE to be in her shoes. Or moments when people you've never met come to you with a message they believe is from God...and they speak into what you'd been praying about all day but hadn't told a soul!

But the craziest thing, is that tonight, after a day of secluding myself in silence (pretty much), I went home to watch the Bucket List. As I cried through the end of "The Bucket List," all I wanted was some water & maybe something sweet. SO I went to my kitchen, got a big glass of water & reached into my "stash" to get a piece of Dove chocolate. As is my custom, I always fully unwrap the chocolate before looking at the phrase beneath. And what was the message I found? "Make a list of your dreams." I laughed, I stared and then cried because somewhere deep inside I just needed to hear someone, something, anything encouraging at that moment. I just wanted to know someone was there & there He was....providing a little comfort & humor in the moment I needed it. A little reminder that God is in every moment of our lives....directing & navigating our path to His good will...and through His good sense of humor!