A Christmas Hope

This past week, my Papa & I were asked to sing Christmas carols at a local assisted living home.  We accepted the invitation, and began to choose songs that we wanted to share.  He would play the mandolin, and we would both sing.  We thought how nice it would be to have my younger brother play his guitar with us, and thought he probably wouldn't want to but we asked anyway.  You see, because my mom was such a support to Tyler & his music, he hasn't really wanted to pick up his guitar since she passed away.  It was an absolutely delightful shock to me to hear that he wanted to play with us!  I was so happy!

We stood up in front of the older crowd of residents, barely having practiced singing together except for the five minutes prior, and began to sing.  My dad would tie in meanings of Christmas and thoughts from the carols we'd sing.  During one of the first songs, we sang something about the angels singing with us, or seeing us from afar.  At that moment, I imagined my mom crying in heaven, not with sadness but with delight, to see the three of us together, singing & playing music together.  I thought about how happy she would have been to hear us all together, and how pleased she would be that we didn't pass on singing.

This all led to another thought....one of hope.  I wanted to have my mom with me so quick right then, pinching back tears that screamed to be set free from the confines of my eyes.  Yet in that same instant, the hope arose that I will see her again soon, and it is because of the birth that we were singing about that I could have that hope.  It was a future hope of a fulfilled promise.  A promise God revealed many thousands of years ago, that was brought to fulfillment through the birth of Christ.

Through the Spirit, Mary a humble girl said "yes" to doing God's will, for waiting on Him to provide a miracle through her.  An unsettling situation to be sure, she waited with hope that God would be true to His word once again.  When Jesus was born a joy filled her & spilled out to each of us through the Son. We can have joy in the hope that His birth proclaims.  There is now a way for us to be joined to the Father.  What a thing to celebrate, what an act of love, bringing joyful hope to a people stirred with unrest.

His birth brought love to the world, joy to the heart, hope to the mind and peace to our soul.  Though some days we all feel unloved, discouraged, defeated & distressed, we can know that God LOVES us, and because of that love we can find JOY because God gave PEACE to our tormented souls, which reminds us of the HOPE that Christ's birth brings.  So this Christmas, let's celebrate, I mean REALLY celebrate, not only the birth of Christ, but everything that His birth represents!

Conflicts and Fear

So last night, while speaking with some close friends, someone asked me...how is it you can go through such crap & hard things, and still be so happy?  My answer? "Because I'm a really great faker." Don't think that's much of an answer? Well.....neither did I once it was out of my mouth.

Since I was in HS, honestly probably before that though, I've been the "tough girl" who doesn't let things get to her. And it's not that I really AM that tough, it's just that I don't want to face those things. Tonight, I was at a youth retreat, and after saying yes to leading part of a game......I said....I can't handle it. I don't want to do that. (I'm learning to say no when I need to and tonight I needed to say no.)  Instead, I somewhat reluctantly grabbed my Bible, hid myself away in someone's room & read. I searched for all the places that God told us about his peace, and how he would hold us together & allow us to have rest in Him. Here's some of what I found: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) "Let us therefore make every effort to enter that rest....." (Hebrews 4:8-11) "Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink;...." (Psalm 69:14)

These are all things that were going on in my heart tonight, and as we studied together later, about how God wants to open our doors if we LISTEN to Him and then wants us to OBEY Him, I wondered about what it was that He wanted me to open up with.  My answer?  Fear.  He wanted me to open up about the fear that was residing inside, holding my outside captive, never letting me truly express what was going on.  It was interesting, because it was like God was saying....I can't heal that if you're not admitting it's there.  So I admitted it was there. And then the next thing, was....how do I obey God in this area?  What am I supposed to do about it?

One of the other verses I found spoke to that...Psalm 62:5,6 and 8 says "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.... Trust in Him at all times, O people; POUR OUT YOUR HEARTS TO HIM, for God is our refuge." Then you know, there are those many other verses that say do not fear....well, it felt like God was telling me...."don't fear or worry....but if you do, tell someone. Tell ME."

The other thing, was I avoid conflict (I'm growing in this though) ....and most times I think about that in relation to others. But tonight, I realized that I'm avoiding the conflict within myself, about the fear that I am (was) unwilling to face.  Fear about my mom, my family, my future, relationships, what God's "to-do-list" is for me, etc.  So the conflict wasn't with other people, but it was a conflict that I'm fighting with myself.  (which is interesting b/c a year ago, in a class, the question was posed "what is the biggest hindrance to you growing with God and I answered "myself")  Hm.

So....it's been a good night.  I cried. I think the last time I cried was in December....and before that one day in October. I do not cry.  But I want to, because it's an outward expression of the deep fear that is in me, and I need to express that not just to others, not just to God, but also to myself.  ...."The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take delight in you, HE WILL QUIET YOU WITH HIS LOVE, He will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

And now....I'm going to be quiet.

Someplace to Run to

You know, some days, I just wish that I had someplace to run to.  A destination of sorts, that would protect me from all the bad in the world. From all the disappointment, pain and heartache. In the past, there were these cities of refuge....they were mainly for murderers seeking ....refuge...duh. However...I wish that there were those today. Where only good things happened, you know?

It would be like....the ideal world in "Where the Wild Things Are"...where only what you want to have happen, happens.  I know it sounds crazy, but it would be nice, wouldn't it? If you could escape for a time to just not worry about anything or anyone?

Hm.  I have to remind myself that God is like our "city of refuge".....with the ability to let us just rest and be comforted. He brings us peace.  Someone guilty, that wanted refuge, had to put forth effort to get to the city of refuge.....and in some ways we have to take that step to seek comfort in Christ but...He also knows when we are hurting and can come to us  in that pain.  "I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." (Psalm 40:1-2)

It is so difficult to keep standing.....when so many things feel like their crashing around you.  Sickness, disappointment, doors closing, etc.  It's difficult to keep running this race....I just need to remind myself that I can. And when I get to a place where I can't, then Christ himself will take over.

I just wish some days that he'd be quicker about that!

Expectation vs. Reality

You know how you expect things....you know they're coming, or you think they're coming...but the way you expect to feel when they come isn't at all how they feel once it becomes reality? It's like your expectations meant nothing because nothing prepared you for this. And no matter how long you'd been expecting it...it just wasn't what it really was when reality hit? Hm.

It's like if you play a scene in your head...you know that Thing A will be happening...so you process all the possibilities & probabilities of what will be the effect of Thing A, that causes Thing B. You convince yourself that Thing B will be great, that it'll be grand, that it will work out. But when Thing A comes along, you react, turning into motion Thing XYZ and not even close to B....and then you freeze.

It happened tonight. As I'm wrapping presents, alone in my parents house. I'm wrapping all of my families presents. The door bell rings, from someone unexpected. Then here on the door is a friend, bringing care packages to my family, because he knows that this Christmas will be different. Yes it will. I knew it would be....I prepared for it. But as I took the packages, thanking him for his prayers & care, I placed them gently on the chair and started to cry. How is it that someone ELSE knew how hard a different kind of Christmas this would be....but to me, I had no idea! I get that this isn't going to be like this every Christmas from here on out....but this one, THIS one....it's just hard & it sucks. And everyone around me knew it....but I didn't. I thought it'd be fine, it'd be an adventure. Hm.

As I'm writing this, two verses come to mind. Philippians 4:7, which says that "...the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts & minds in Christ Jesus." ....So I know that He is guarding me, and will put peace in my heart that I may not understand. And I also know that "The Lord is my Rock my Fortress and my deliverer, my God is my Rock in whom I take refuge." (Psalm 18:2) Therefore I know that He will be the one to bring me through....to bring US through. I may not be prepared for what's next....but I know that when my expectations meet reality, God will be the one who will comfort, provide, protect & reveal all that it is I am to know and do.

A little piece of beauty

Have you ever stumbled upon beauty in an unexpected place? Or had it bump into you at a time when you needed to see something of hope? I was reminded of a moment when this happened to me this year.

Beauty inspires me. It allows me to see something & create, fill in the unknowns of the depth below the surface. But sometimes beauty needs to be taken just at face value & heard in the quiet places. This summer, at the end of a mission trip, my friends & I took a week to explore beauty in Europe. The mission trip had been hard, challenging & beautiful in itself, but...I think we all needed a little breathing room to process all we had experienced. On the last evening, the three of us got all dressed up, did our makeup, hair & headed out for a free jazz concert in the heart of Budapest.

The concert was in an upper room of a classic WWII era building, of marble & stone. It was standing room only, and even THAT was crowded. So one of the girls & I decided to grab a glass-bottle coca-cola, and go back downstairs to a little lounge room with two sets of french doors, an over-sized fireplace and a black grand piano. The room was completely empty except for a round fellow, balding & aging quickly with round, inch-thick spectacles & a bow tie. He sat at the grand piano, alone, playing classic jazz melodies.

I looked at him & thought up this life....he was an old man, that lived a normal life. A life that had no adventure and no big casualties. One that was never written about in a book, or would never be mentioned in the papers. He probably had never been married, but had been in love once & had never forgotten her. He lived at home and took care of his even older mother who called him by his full name. Music was the one thing he did exceptionally well, and that was where his adventure was made. It was through his music that he could write songs about the extraordinary things that he never experienced but always dreamed about. Every Saturday evening he would sing softly to an empty room, hoping that his normal life would do something, for someone, someday, somewhere. And that was his life.

Of course none of this was credible in any way, because the only thing we heard from him was in Hungarian...so it was all the beautiful imagination that I've been gifted with, taking hold of the could-be's of his life.

But it struck me then & again today, just how beautiful that moment was. Sitting there with a friend, listening to a contented musician play out his soul through the notes of a piano, in an empty room that was filled with beauty. Such peace surrounded us, such comfort & stillness. What beauty met us there. We didn't think of it then, but I see it now, that God's beauty is like that night. It's simple. It's beautiful & comforting. It draws you in. It is riveting & calm. Hm. To stop & notice those beautiful moments...to stop & notice how God can bring us beauty & peace...to stop & notice that He notices you, and wants to bring us beauty. It's beautiful.

Being held

I haven't always felt it, but I'm starting to today. Plates are falling...the one's I've been trying to balance, and it's making me quite nervous & irritated. The loud commotion that I can't quite seem to calm, stirs my insides in a way that can't be silenced. But today, I was given a gift of being held. In prayer, in though & in loving touch.

Something I've noticed this year, is how much touch is a form of love for me. Just having someone put their hand on my shoulder, or to bump knees with someone, or to just be held in a longer than normal embrace. It does something to that back & forth feeling within me, that I can't quite explain. Today, someone reminded me of us resting in God's hand...with His touch, holding us. Gently. Tenderly. Firmly. Not letting go. I loved that. Some days I just wish that someone would just come along & hold me. I can't always ask for it, I just want it to happen. And today, I remembered that when I don't get that in human form, I'll always get it and AM having that from my heavenly Father.

He's holding me, giving me a kind of rest that is not human, that is not the same as sleep, but more closely resembles peace within my soul. A gentle caressing of the spirit that will settle my deep restlessness. To rest, open & unafraid in His large hands is beautiful. A song I played this week gave me this peace too...

I am tired and weary, but I must toil on
Till the Lord comes to call me away,
Where the morning is bright and the Lamb is the light,
And the night is as fair as the day.

There'll be peace in the valley for me someway,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.
I pray no more sorrow and sadness or trouble will be,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.

There the flow'rs will be blooming,
the grass will be green,
And the skies will be clear and serene,
The sun ever shines, giving one endless beam
And no clouds there will ever be seen.

There the bear will be gentle, the wolf will be tame,
And the lion will lay down by the lamb,
The host from the wild will be lead by a Child,
I'll be changed from the creature I am.

No headaches or heartaches or misunderstands,
No confusion or troubles won't be
No frowns to defile, just a big endless smile
There'll be peace and contentment for me.

There'll be peace in the valley for me someway,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.
I pray no more sorrow and sadness or trouble will be,
There'll be peace in the valley for me. ---Thomas Dorsey, "Peace in the Valley"

----

How is it that people can make you cry so much? Songs conjure up so many sorrows & truths, breath & life....Ah, I just can't stand it. Today was a "great" day, on many counts. I sifted through 2 month old mail, read another few chapters in my current book, briefed myself on the news, cleaned my apartment & was in my pj's until 3pm. Although, it was just a lonely day. There was something hitting me today, that just wouldn't shrug off. Even though the thought of actually seeing or being with another person made me shudder, all I really wanted to do was just sit with someone. Feel their arm around my shoulder & know that I could cry & cry without judgment. Then there in the car tonight, listening to deafening music, one of my past favorite songs came on and as I'm singing the lyrics, the chorus came on & I burst into tears, realizing what I was singing....."not alone, no we're not alone now, honey. we'll make it home 'cause we're not alone." As I cried out the words, I realized that was God's little reminder that as lonely as I felt today, He was there with me...the whole day, not just then, but I didn't realize it until I was in the car.

How long o'Lord, must we wait, how long until you calm our spirits, until we meet you face to face & you dry our every tear? Why can it not be today? Why can it not be right now? I long for you, search for you & hold fast to your promise. ....

I know...

"I do not know what lies ahead, the way I cannot see; Yet One stands near to be my guide, He'll show the way to me. I do not know how many days of life are mine to spend; But One who knows and cares for me will keep me to the end. I do not know the course ahead, what joys and griefs are there; But One is near who fully knows, I'll trust his loving care.

"I know who holds the future and I know He holds my hand. With God things don't just happen, everything by Him is planned; So as I face tomorrow with it's problems large and small, I'll trust the God of miracles, give to Him my all."

This is a song by Alfred B. Smith and E. C. titled "I Know Who Holds the Future," which I just found tonight while playing old old "Singspiration" music on the piano. The words & truth behind those words brought me comfort & I thought I might share that with you.

"This week has brought me down a path of darkness & decay. But lately I've been feeling that it might just go away. This evening I laughed, I cried & I prayed, all for different things. And then I thought a simple minded joyful heart also prays & sings! The joy tonight I feel inside, deep deep within. And laughter fills my every thought, knowing I'm cleansed of sin." ---me.

A Positive Memory

Okay, so here's something that is good! Some of you know that I work with an 8th grade class at my church, teaching them & questioning them about what they believe about Christianity & the theology in their hearts. Basically, here's what our church believes, and why....and then asking them to look into the Bible & to discover for themselves what they believe. So two Wednesdays ago, my friend Ellen & I took this group to a memory loss home. We paired off each of the kids with a resident to do a "thanksgiving" craft. For each pair, we had a sketch of a bare tree...then we had the kids ask the residents what they were thankful for & write it on printed colored leaves & paste them on the tree. It was so cool. Afterwards, we took the kids to culvers to talk about the experience. It was interesting to have them open up about how they were intimidated right away & nervous because they didn't know what to expect. They noted how many of the residents kept repeating questions "like 50 times!" The kids thought it was neat to meet people who others sometimes think is less important or worthy. And they were excited at the possibility to go back again! Then last week, due to outside circumstances, we only had 1/2 hour to brief the kids on the lesson for next week on how we are created in God's image. I took 8 of them out for pizza and discussion...we talked about which was more important between a puppy, baby, horse or old person. They almost all chose the baby, but then I gave them other questions like...if you were a pregnant teen & your fiance wasn't the dad of the baby & your parents might disown you, would you have an abortion? Then I asked what if you had twins, one was disabled & the other born somewhat "normal" and you could only keep one alive....which would you choose? And then again, if there was an old person who couldn't remember anything, and didn't know any family anymore, would it be so bad if someone helped them to die? The whole point in asking these questions was to get the kids to wonder what it is about us as humans, that makes us special. Is it who we are physically? Mentally? Socially? or is it more than that? If we're created in the image of God, what does that mean? Why does that make us special & worth something? And if we're ALL created in the image of God, is it fair or right to judge one person worth more than another? We got into a good discussion, and I think they really "got it" that the Bible is clear about our value in life. At the end of the night, I had each of the kids write their name on the top of a red note card. Then they passed them around the table, and everyone wrote one thing that they thought was unique and special about that person. Then we read Psalm 139. (which when i told them psalm 139, they all wrote psalm 1:39.....thought that was funny!) “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.”

What comfort, to know that God knows us inside & out, upside & down, good & bad, our worth & our sinfulness. He knows us & yet loves us. He chose us. He chose to die for us, to bring Glory to Himself. He alone is worth more than anything we can think of...He is.

Finding--

So today, I being "thoughtful." No, I don't mean to be praising myself for being so nice to people around me, I'm probably being really bad at that today. But I mean I'm thinking about a lot of things. And when that happens, the smallest of those things can send me into a thought clear across the universe, with emotions that can feel out of this world. I was writing on Julie's wall today, and I saw on "wall-to-wall" that I had laughed about how we knew each other. I couldn't find where that information was, and so I thought....maybe if I search for her like a random friend search, it'll say that! Well, when I tried to do that, it said there was no Julie Steiskal. I tried again, spelled it different, it wouldn't let me find her. Even in MY friends, I couldn't pull up her name! I got a little panicked....and yes, i still can't find her that way, but I'm not panicked anymore.

So it got me thinking about searching for God. I really need Him now more than ever. Particularly today. Something is working in me, and I feel so close to the edge. You know when you're driving on a road where the tar is about 6" higher than the gravel curb, and when you get close to the edge you can feel your car being pulled over. You struggle to keep it on, and when you're right on the edge it's like "come on, come on...don't go over." Well, I feel like that. I feel like I'm right on the edge & I could go over, but I'm still holding on...by God's grace, I'm still holding on.

God says "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13) I am trying to seek with my heart, but some days I don't know how. "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." (Romans 8:26) This is what I'm trusting in....that the Spirit will take my unconscious prayers to the throne of God. "You said, 'Woe to me! The LORD has added sorrow to my pain; I am worn out with groaning and find no rest.' " (Jeremiah 45:3) Sometimes this is how I think, and I don't want to think this way, so I pray "May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." (Psalm 33:22)

Just a few things to search for...a renewed strength, a fresh mind, a conscious faith & passionate soul.

In the Quiet Moments, He is There

Life giving has come to me through the quiet moments I'm able to enjoy God's creation--alone, yet not by myself. Christ meets me there to speak to me, call me, comfort me & hold me. His joy is ever present--in the breeze, the warm sun, the wet rain, the color of the leaves, the stillness of the afternoon. Those moments He captures your undivided attention to remind you that He is. That He's been there all along--He sees you and knows you, loves you and rejoices over you.God is digging in my heart, finding the pain, frustration and sadness that is longing to be healed. "Soon," He says "soon you will be free." But when? Can I take my pain away? "No, but you can give it over, into the Hands that take hold of your life. The Ones that molded you, formed you & direct you. You'll make it someday! Just trust in Me--I'll take you down the road. I'll show you where to go." I don't know how long it'll take, but with God I'll make it.

"Til Kingdom Come"
(Video) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jSisMP2_F4
Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.

Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.---Coldplay

Frustrations & Faith

I can't speak, so I will let the thoughts in my head come out through the only truth I can grasp at this point. "Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling! I would state my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments. I would find out what he would answer me, and consider what he would say."--Job 23 (excerpts)I'm doing this today....feeling like "God, what is going on here?" You know me, and you know I'm a fixer, a thinker, an analyzing maniac .....what am I supposed to be learning through this? There is hope, I know that...I don't feel it right now, but I know there is....but where? What am I supposed to think, feel, grasp, say, etc.? "Lord, you have searched me and you know me....you perceive my thoughts from afar....you hem me in--behind and before; Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."--Psalm 139:1-10 (excerpts) This gives me hope in knowing that no matter how frustrating or far I feel that I've gone, how deep my despair, He is still with me.....if I don't have words or emotions to express the way I feel or the things I'm thinking, He knows them & it's okay. When I don't even comprehend the thoughts & feelings flooding my eyes, He sees clearer than I ever will & understands."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." --Romans 12:21Remembering the goodness of Christ, the grace He has given, gives me hope for tomorrow and peace for today. Despite the storms that rage against me, He alone is my rock & my salvation. With Him, what can come against me? Though I may stumble & fall, He will lift me up with his righteous right hand & guide me in the paths of righteousness. He will provide for me & comfort me. Say what you need to say

The Craziest Thing

It's a funny thing when people or situations around you just happen to turn out funny. It's nothing you can plan on or hope for....but somewhere deep down you always do! You can't plan on those things like choking on falafel cause you're laughing so hard and at that exact moment a Jewish midget happens to walk past your window! Or like when you're playing a game of Mexican Train with your grandpa who just had a stroke & as he's moving the train forward he says "tweet tweet"! These moments are priceless....funny, hysterical and worth so much in memories. Then there are those moments where you're laughing at this lady dancing her heart out to some crazy music and realize that she doesn't have a care in the world right now and you would LOVE to be in her shoes. Or moments when people you've never met come to you with a message they believe is from God...and they speak into what you'd been praying about all day but hadn't told a soul! But the craziest thing, is that tonight, after a day of secluding myself in silence (pretty much), I went home to watch the Bucket List. As I cried through the end of "The Bucket List," all I wanted was some water & maybe something sweet. SO I went to my kitchen, got a big glass of water & reached into my "stash" to get a piece of Dove chocolate. As is my custom, I always fully unwrap the chocolate before looking at the phrase beneath. And what was the message I found? "Make a list of your dreams." I laughed, I stared and then cried because somewhere deep inside I just needed to hear someone, something, anything encouraging at that moment. I just wanted to know someone was there & there He was....providing a little comfort & humor in the moment I needed it. A little reminder that God is in every moment of our lives....directing & navigating our path to His good will...and through His good sense of humor!

Be Still

Getting on with life is hard to do if you keep yourself busy. This is something I am very good at...keeping busy. Sometimes it is an effect of too much caffeine. Sometimes it is the effect of being a perfectionist. Sometimes it is an effect of too much grief.

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10)

But I can’t be still, I keep moving, keep turning, keep looking, keep mourning, keep doing WHATEVER it is that puts itself in front of me to do, so that I don’t have to look to my right or left & watch my life unfold before my eyes.

But I don’t want to be still, I don’t want to sit down, stop talking, quit moving, leave my work unfinished so that I can take time to ponder what is happening around me.

I am afraid to be still, to quiet myself before His feet & weep uncontrollably for the anguish I feel. It scares me to become vulnerable and open, letting my true heart unravel in His hands so that He can restore it in a new way, a whole way, a complete way, that is mended by Him alone. Brokenness is not something I desire, not something I always strive for, but something my heart is aching for.

Can I be still & know that He is God? Listen to the words of a precious hymn that has given me perspective in other difficult times. Maybe it will touch you also.


Speak Lord in the stillness, While I wait on Thee;
Hushed my heart to listen In expectancy.

Speak, O blessed Master, In this quiet hour;
Let me see Thy face, Lord, Feel Thy touch of power.

For the words Thou speakest, "They are life, indeed;
Living bread from heaven, Now my spirit feed."

All to Thee is yielded, I am not my own;
Blissful, glad surrender- I am Thine alone.

The Craziest Thing

It's a funny thing when people or situations around you just happen to turn out funny. It's nothing you can plan on or hope for....but somewhere deep down you always do! You can't plan on those things like choking on falafel cause you're laughing so hard and at that exact moment a Jewish midget happens to walk past your window! Or like when you're playing a game of Mexican Train with your grandpa who just had a stroke & as he's moving the train forward he says "tweet tweet"! These moments are priceless....funny, hysterical and worth so much in memories.

Then there are those moments where you're laughing at this lady dancing her heart out to some crazy music and realize that she doesn't have a care in the world right now and you would LOVE to be in her shoes. Or moments when people you've never met come to you with a message they believe is from God...and they speak into what you'd been praying about all day but hadn't told a soul!

But the craziest thing, is that tonight, after a day of secluding myself in silence (pretty much), I went home to watch the Bucket List. As I cried through the end of "The Bucket List," all I wanted was some water & maybe something sweet. SO I went to my kitchen, got a big glass of water & reached into my "stash" to get a piece of Dove chocolate. As is my custom, I always fully unwrap the chocolate before looking at the phrase beneath. And what was the message I found? "Make a list of your dreams." I laughed, I stared and then cried because somewhere deep inside I just needed to hear someone, something, anything encouraging at that moment. I just wanted to know someone was there & there He was....providing a little comfort & humor in the moment I needed it. A little reminder that God is in every moment of our lives....directing & navigating our path to His good will...and through His good sense of humor!

Hope....and courage.

So today I visited an old (literally old, as in age) friend in the hospital. His whole being is an encouragement to each person that he knows. It is this kind of person that I hope to be someday...but seeing him in the hospital shook me back to the memories of my own grandfather in the hospital. Some of you didn't know me at that time, but it was a difficult time for me & my family. It was a deep time of uncertainty & disbelief. The quietness of the hospital room, being surrounded by a presence of peace & grace, yet shrouded with fear and pain. In the last few hours that I spent with my grandpa, I sang him some old hymns & read some scriptures...he was unresponsive for two weeks, yet when you held his hand he would squeeze so tight that you knew he understood my intentions were to show my love for him. Today, as I visited my friend, we prayed & he squeezed my hand the way my grandpa did...it brought tears out of my eyes, silently releasing the longing I still have to see my grandpa again. As I remember what God has told us & look back on how I have seen Him work, I know that through this, God IS STILL WITH US. Last night, I watched Martian Child, and the father says to the little boy who has been hurt, abused, abandoned & left behind, "I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, ever....leave you." As the child embraces the man who he knows truly loves him more than anything, you get a sense that this is how God reaches out & comforts us amidst our pain. In Romans 8:28 it says "Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God." And Romans 8:38 says "So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. Think on these things & be comforted knowing that though men & women die, leave us, move away or forget us, God will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER....leave us.