God Size

The last few months here have been crazy.  Literally speaking, they've been such a whirlwind, that every time I've even thought of writing, I'll forget about 10 minutes later because I'm on to something different.  But tonight, I felt like I had to write....there's too much to say all in one post, but this message keeps coming through different ways, and so it must be something that is important.  So here goes.

Have you ever been faced with something where you thought, "how am I supposed to pray for this!?"...you battle within yourself whether you should pray for a miracle, or not, because you "know" that it won't happen probably and that whatever it is in front of you will just turn out the way things "normally" turn out, whether that be good or bad, but either way you pray it's not really going to be different.  Have you been there?  I have, and I'm sure some of you have too.  You're like....you trust in God, but really when the odds look so grim you just don't know if you should pray that God will perform a miracle or if you should just accept the fate & pray for God to give peace.

Well.....here's a question for you: How well do you know God?

Really, how well do you KNOW Him?  The earth is finite, right?  Meaning there's only limited outcomes, options, possibilities, etc.  But God is NOT.  He created the earth, so He doesn't live within the confines of our existence, He lives in the freedom of His!  So when we pray, are we underestimating the power of God by not even asking for something bigger than we could even imagine?

This spring, things were going along just "normal" until one day I went to work & they told me that I was being laid off.  Oddly enough, I wasn't devastated.  Honestly I'd been having a conversation with God about what was next....I wasn't sure that where I was then was where He would always want me to be...so when I heard that I would be leaving in a month, it was a little bit of an "okay God, now what..." moment.  Financially I was okay for a little while, so I decided that since I had so many things planned for the summer, I would wait on God for just the right thing, and not pursue another position until the middle of August.

At the beginning of July, I visited my dad in TX, and finished a book called "Sacred Waiting" by David Timms.  It seemed that book was perfectly timed, by hitting on my period of waiting that had just been semi-imposed upon me by getting laid off.  I went back to MN to prepare for an art show before heading out on another vacation with some friends (which is another story all in itself) and two days before I left I got a strange call.  It was one of my old supervisors, from the job I had just left.  He said that his wife had met a guy at a concert, and that through random conversation, he mentioned they were looking for someone like me and so she mentioned my name and now that guy was trying to get in touch with me about a job.  That morning, I researched the organization, called & left a message and two hours later got a call back. They wanted me to come in for an interview 2 hours later.  Here's the scenario: I'm in my PJ's at 1pm, I don't have a current resume, don't have a printer if I DID have a current resume, wasn't sure that I had any clean business clothes to wear and was then living an hour away from the office....so naturally I said "of course I can make it by 3pm". lol.  I stood in line behind three 10 year old girls at the public library to print off my resume, and barely made it in.

To make the rest of the story short, I was offered the job the next day.  It was outstanding.  I feel so blessed, and I know that this kind of thing does NOT happen that often, but it was like....God was reminding me that He does things in HIS timing and way, not necessarily ours.  So this weekend, we're hosting an event, hoping to draw in 5,500 people! We'll be sharing the gospel and feature some great musicians!  And through the planning, I've been nervous, wondering how it'll all turn out, what will happen, who will come, etc.  And sitting here tonight, being reminded of God's miraculous power through the book of John, I'm finding peace knowing that God's got it.

He's greater than anything we can imagine, and so He's capable of doing more than we can imagine.  We just need to stop underestimating Him and closing doors where He wants to show us His miracles!  Where does God want to do a miracle in your life, or challenge you to trust in Him more?  As you think on that, also remember us this Saturday in prayer.  Pray that people will pack the house, pray that people will respond to the gospel, pray that the Lord would do something that we could have never imagined!  Hallelujah!

(If you want to watch our concert streaming live, tune in Saturday at 7pm Central at: http://livestre.am/16gGw)  

Branches & Vines

This past weekend I did a lot of cleaning.  Inside my house as well as some inside my soul.  While emptying out a book closet, I came across an old journal that my great grandmother had written, telling a bit of her story of marriage, grief, hardships & the faithfulness of God throughout each moment.  It was a precious reminder of how the Lord is faithful throughout the generations.  How blessed I felt to know that He was working so many years ago, while forming the foundation that I would grow into through this family.

On Sunday, I visited the church that I had read about in her writing, that my family had been diligent to help begin.  The worship felt new this time.  Knowing a part of the history of how these settlers, new & shocked by the un-true tellings of the reality that would face them on the land that awaited them.  Their hearts were on giving the next generation a hope & future....even if that meant really hard work & struggles.  Even if that meant starting your own church because faith in God was that important.  Even if that meant losing many dreams you had for yourself so that dreams your children dreamt could come true.

At the church though, the sermon was about the Vine & Branches section of John 15.  I normally really appreciate this verse, but as I had been going through a lot of things that were left after my mother passed away, I was saddened because it was like....well, I understand that God would cut off branches that weren't producing fruit, but what about those that WERE producing fruit?  Why would he cut those off early?  Thankfully, when these thoughts were mumbling through my little brain, they were caught by the next phrase the pastor spoke....about God pruning the branches that were producing fruit because by doing that sometimes the fruit other branches produce will grow larger & that the quality of the fruit might become better.

This made me wonder about my life right now, and those lives of my siblings & friends.  People who we've known, outstanding characters & faithful to the Lord, those people who were cut off from life seemingly too early to understand.  It hurt, and still does many days, but it seems like this verse would flow with this course of pruning.  Somethings that I've done this year, never would have been done had my mother been around.  Other things I've seen my friends/siblings do would never have happened if their friends or family had been around....it doesn't make it feel better that they're not here to see these amazing things forming in us, but knowing that somehow their leaving earth spurred a new life inside of us is inspiring.

I don't know what my whole thought here really comes to, but maybe just knowing that God prunes fruitful branches sometimes to bear bigger fruits on the branches that are left, makes me wonder....what kind of fruit does he see as possible out of our lives?  What will be coming through the pruning?  It doesn't always feel good to be pruned, but then again who are we as branches to tell the Gardener which branches He should prune?  He knows best, for "...He who promised is faithful." (Romans 10:23)

Parties & Prayer

Last night, I stood still, amidst hundreds of students all proclaiming their praise & confession to the Lord.  We prayed for those who are lost, seeking & struggling.  For those who do not yet know Truth.  Outside the building where we gathered, a deep pounding surged through to our ears, just across the street were parties, with probably the same amount of students, but not gathered for the same purpose.  They were there, doing whatever felt right to satisfy them for the moment.  But at the end of the night, where would they end up?  I met a few who wandered through our doors after the evening had ended.  They were looking for something.....it didn't matter what, they just wanted to be a part of something.  While talking with them, my heart ached for them to be a part of our family...of God's family.  If only they could understand that they mattered, that God loved them, that we loved them, and that there was purpose for their life.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

The seeking, searching, aching and dizzying path of these students compels me to pray that someday soon they can understand fully the grace of God that has been extended towards them, and that there is a way of peace & joy, found only in the Lord.  Will you join me in this prayer?

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Not what it seems....

"How am I going to be able to grow up without a mom to tell secrets to?" ....this is just one of many quotes that have made me tear up today.... I've been put in a lot of tough situations recently, that are forcing me to make decisions that right now I feel I cannot make.  It's like life is asking me to become a new person, one that I don't know about, and one that I don't necessarily want to be.  I guess it's all part of growing up, but wow...growing pains have never burned so much.

To a large degree, our family & friends that we have relationships with make up a large part of our identity.  When we lose them, we lose a part of our identity too....I've recently heard this termed like an amputation of the familiar self.  Who we were with them, is not going to be who we are without them. It's like....a normal life loss of something like...adolescence, or a job, or moving away...the loss is like a broken arm that takes a while to heal and the pain real but it will eventually heal.  However, catastrophic loss....death of a parent, sibling, friend, child, whoever...is like an amputation...not just a broken arm.  It will never come back or be completely healed, and you'll always have phantom feelings of the limb that once was there but no longer remains.

I guess this is all part of growing up and growing into who I will be...though it feels different than I thought it would.  You never imagine these things to come, and you'd never imagine the consequences that would follow...everyone is different and we're all trying to become a new different together, yet still individually.  Some people make choices for themselves that affect just them, and other make choices that lead to more and more choices for other people.  It's all very difficult, and hard.....

Wishing that I had some verses right now to write about, but I'm too empty to seek them out today.  If you're reading this...what are some verses that have helped you grow into who you are today?  I'm curious.....because I just feel like I have no idea where my life is going, and it's hard to really go day to day when you don't have a direction. :)

Training Camp of Character

This past week I photographed, watched and learned about the MN Vikings from a whole new perspective.  A friend met me there mid-week, and admitted that this was never something she would have chosen to attend herself.  I was glad to have her around though.  During the practices, she sat on the bleachers & I ran around taking photos.  One day as we walked away from the field, she mentioned something that has stuck with me the last few days.  She told me about sitting in the bleachers, watching the team practice, and listening to the crowds cheer & root for them.  They would praise the players who made a great catch, comment on the muscles someone had, cheer for a nice kick, etc...all encouraging the performance, abilities & physicality of a player.  My friend noted that it's our society that praises these things, and that it's pretty common to do, but wondered what it would be like to live in a society that praised not the accomplishments necessarily but the character of the person before us.

Wow. Praise someone's character? That thought goes beyond winning or losing, but to the internal soul of what makes that person who they are, and the fruit that they are expressing.  "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." (Hebrews 3:13)  ...encourage one another, there's no group here, it seems pretty broad, it's to be for everyone...and what are the things we should encourage each other about?  "...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...." (Galatians 5:22-23) These are the things that we should be praising...."Way to be gentle in that hard place", "You have such joy about this", "Your patience astounds me", etc.  I'm getting excited just in writing this, to encourage someone today.

So what would it look like if we became a society that praised someone based on their character and not on their physical strength, skill or speed?  How would that change people, and how would it effect each of us?  Wouldn't you be strengthened inside to continue doing good & making decisions that would please our Heavenly Father?  Let's be encouraged now, and freely give encouragement to those in whom we see Christ working through their character. Let's build each other up not only on our accomplishments but on who we are becoming through every situation & circumstance despite those accomplishments or failures. Let's let this life we live be a training camp of character, with the goal of heaven to drive us, so when we break camp, we can stand before the Father in bold confidence that he who began a good work in us continued through the end.

Anticipation

Standing on the precipice of something extraordinary....or maybe just new, I cannot help but feel anticipation and eagerness to move forward, to feel whatever this is that the Lord is moving around in my life. Big pieces are moving, and slowly things are taking shape.  I've been praying much the past few months of what does God have for me next.  I am "content" where I am, yet some of the situations that surround me make me uncomfortable, and yes I do realize that uncomfortableness can grow you....however this type of uncomfortable is the kind that can kill you. So. What is it God, what will it be? Where will it be? When will it be?

Looking forward, I cannot help but look back as well...I recently saw this verse at one of the 5 funerals I've attended in the last few weeks..."The memory of the righteous will be a blessing...." (Proverbs 10:7a).  What a blessing that I have been given through all of the people in my life & now who have passed on to the next.  One of my favorite kids books, tells the story of an old woman who refuses to name things that she knows she will outlive.  So the puppy that starts to visit her daily goes without a name until at one point he stops coming & she believes she has lost him forever. Through his visits, she has grown to love him...and when the dog pound guy asks what the lost puppy's name is, she thinks back over all her friends that she had outlived, and realized just how lucky she was, and decided then to name the dog "lucky".  As I look for what this new thing is that God is stirring, I want to bring the memories of the righteous people in my life with me...they will be in me and their memories will live through me, in whatever place I land.

Eleanor Roosevelt, in my mind one of the greatest inspirational women to ever live, said this..."The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience."  That's what I'm trying to do.....reaching out to find whatever is out there, whatever God has that holds a rich newness to it. His redeeming & loving character will provide that, in his way.  Hm. How are we, am I, living that is tasting His will to the utmost, am I reaching out eagerly & without fear?  Will I remember the past with a blessed feeling?  I will, and I will try to take steps in faith to be one of those women who live without fear of the future, to be confident in the hope I have in Christ, and the boldness to follow wherever He may lead...seeing how He worked so vibrantly in the lives of my loved ones past, and fully trusting that He will do the same in me.

Total Restoration in Progress

This is my new life statement. Total restoration in progress. Think about this with me.  As I walked down the old & classic looking streets of downtown St. Paul, there's a place called the Coney Island Cafe. It says it opened in 1923, and now there is plastic sheets over the windows & dirt in the doorway. But a tiny little sign tells you that there is a "total restoration in progress".  When you peek into the windows, you can see the old bar stools, the juke box in the middle of the dining room, old booths made from dark wood...signs of a past that has been lived and worn down.  Signs that at one time this little shop was something...it was made to be something, but has gotten dirty, old, been shut off from the outside & has lost life inside the walls.

As I walked away from the cloudy window, I pictured my own life like that little cafe.  Parts of my life have been dusty, abandoned, been shut off from the outside & lost life.  I thought about how many of us when going through difficult things will grow tired of visiting those places inside of us, and pretty soon they're closed for business, not something we easily remember, and not something any one would want to go back to.

But Christ, in his ever visioning perspective & will, sees that old place and sees the potential that is still held within.  He comes inside of that place, and puts up a sign "total restoration in progress".  Total....not one spot untouched, taking everything into the process.  Restoration.....taking all those parts, every single spec & restoring it to the original design, the original intent & vibrant life.  In Progress......an ongoing process, active & not sedentary, forward moving towards a goal, a developing of sorts.

Isn't our life in Christ a "total restoration in progress"?  Will we ever reach a finished state until Christ says come home?  And how would we be totally restored if we do not allow him into every little nook & cranny of our being?

When you see a place that has been totally restored to it's original state, is it not a beautiful sight? Something you want to behold, take in, soak up, relish, applaud, appreciate & marvel at?  Are we not usually wanting to give recognition to the hard work that the restorer has accomplished? Do we not look at all the tiny details that the crafter took time to meticulously finish?  Why then would we not recognize the work that Christ would like to do in us, a more than fully capable master who knows the ins & outs of us better than we know ourselves.  Should we not then give him the keys to every part of us and especially the dark & dusty parts so that we can be fully restored to the life that Christ meant for us to live out?

A little shift.

I think something has changed. Temporarily? It's possible. But changed? Definitely.  A friend asked me very cautiously, if since my mother's death I looked at dying differently. To that I had an emphatic response of "yes...I'm not afraid of it at all." I realize that as a believer, there's no reason to fear death, but sometimes it's not death you fear, but the unknown that surrounds it.  The unanswerable questions that after the fact won't matter anyway.

I remember that when my friend Julie passed away, I was soon after on a trip to Mexico.  There we visited Copper Canyon in Chihuahua.  There was one cliff that we saw, that had a large rock at the very tip.  My friends discovered that the rock--rocked. You could stand on the rock & it would sway on the tip of the cliff.  I wanted a picture out there, but decided I wasn't brave enough to stand on the edge, so I stayed on the "sturdy" rock in front.  Immediately after they took my picture though, I changed my mind & decided I couldn't be that close & not stand at the edge. I quickly turned around, walked right out onto the rock & posed for a picture. Yes, I was probably about 200+ feet above the bottom of the canyon, with not much below me...not ANYTHING below me...but I realized that death didn't frighten me. Why not live life & be a little daring?

This is not nearly as near to the story I just told, but last night as I drove away from my home, I spied a beautiful antique settee on the curb. I wondered, pondered & decided to drive on. Then I had a little twinge...why not turn around & see.  I turned a right and went around the block, pulled up in front of a quaint little house, walked up to the door & knocked. After a few minutes of curious knocking, a girl my age welcomed me with a big smile. I asked about the couch & she vibrantly answered "You like it? It's yours. Think it'll fit in your car?" Huh. See how easy that I was I thought? What did that hurt to ask?

That part of me ...that is sometimes timid & nervous, is changing. I'm growing bolder, braver....little by little. It's a good change, a welcomed change. I'm finding joy in this, and can't wait to see what else awaits!

Going back forward

Last night, talking with a friend, made me think about some things....about "being".  There also was a group of people yesterday, who I shared with about my struggle with this whole concept of just "being"....of being still, of listening, of taking time to slow down, etc. A very good friend of mine has asked me to take some time to slow down, with writing letters.....I started, but still haven't gotten a whole one out (It's coming you).


Anyway, what I found funny yesterday is that in thinking about "being" I took time to look through some of my old blog posts. It dumbfounded me because what is happening today, is totally different from two years ago, yet some of my thoughts & reactions are completely identical. I read one post, and thought....this could have been a narrative of me today, crazy!  Totally different situation, and yet same response.  Makes me wonder how much I'm growing....or how much this is just me, and going to stay me. Is there something more I need to learn in this area, or rather will I EVER learn?

I don't know. But I do know this.....whoever is reading this, you know me (or at least most of you do)....so if you see things that you question, I'm opening myself up to your questioning of me. Seek me out & ask about it if you see something that brings up a flag in your mind....caution me, question me, whatever you feel you need to do. I'm okay with that. It's helping me to grow.

Knocking on doors

Someone this past week, was talking about opportunities in life, and said how we shouldn't always be looking for another new thing or a better thing because we need to just be content and happy with what we've been given. It had a dissonant tone to it when I heard this...and I couldn't really figure out why, but I think now I know.

Paul says that he is content in all circumstances. Content? He was satisfied with what he had, and did not want anything else? Yes. It's true, he was content. Through prison, torture, allegations, investigations, hunger, exhaustion, persecution and ridicule. He knew that his satisfaction would never be met on earth, so he was utterly and completely content. And in this sense, I think we should all be this content. We should be content wherever we have been placed, in whatever race we are running, in whatever job, housing situation, social status, whatever. We should be content and know that our being, our self worth and justification will not come from the next best thing, but in the God who directs our paths and that wherever we are He will use to His glory if we allow him in.

However......Paul also says that he continues to press on toward the goal. Well what does that mean? If he is totally content, why is he "looking for more"?  As I said above, I think we should all be content in the circumstances that we find ourselves, yet throughout the Bible there is an example of never finding ourselves "stale," but always learning, growing, trying, failing and trying again.  In our situation there should be a peaceful contentment, but in our spirit, in our soul, should there ever be a contentment? Shouldn't we always be searching out what God is speaking to us? Where He is directing us? What opportunities might be shadowed around the corner, just waiting to be revealed by our search?

If I had been completely content, I would have never tried finding another job, I would have never been employed where I am today, would never have met the friends I now have, and would have been "perfectly content." Yet I would have been missing something (though whether I would know that or not I'll never really know)....but there's a whole side of my life that I never would have found. I would have never gone to Mexico and found blessing through small conversations. I never would have had the opportunities to talk about Romania's orphans to pastors all over the world. None of this would have happened if I had been ....content.

I AM content....every day....some days....but I'm never content to stay the same person that I was the day before. It's Christ's life that challenges me to grow, to run toward the prize, to be drawn closer and closer every day toward the Father who has blessed my life. In this sense, I will never be content. I hope I never am content. I hope you can be content in your circumstance,....but never content in your soul. Thoughts?

Expectation vs. Reality

You know how you expect things....you know they're coming, or you think they're coming...but the way you expect to feel when they come isn't at all how they feel once it becomes reality? It's like your expectations meant nothing because nothing prepared you for this. And no matter how long you'd been expecting it...it just wasn't what it really was when reality hit? Hm.

It's like if you play a scene in your head...you know that Thing A will be happening...so you process all the possibilities & probabilities of what will be the effect of Thing A, that causes Thing B. You convince yourself that Thing B will be great, that it'll be grand, that it will work out. But when Thing A comes along, you react, turning into motion Thing XYZ and not even close to B....and then you freeze.

It happened tonight. As I'm wrapping presents, alone in my parents house. I'm wrapping all of my families presents. The door bell rings, from someone unexpected. Then here on the door is a friend, bringing care packages to my family, because he knows that this Christmas will be different. Yes it will. I knew it would be....I prepared for it. But as I took the packages, thanking him for his prayers & care, I placed them gently on the chair and started to cry. How is it that someone ELSE knew how hard a different kind of Christmas this would be....but to me, I had no idea! I get that this isn't going to be like this every Christmas from here on out....but this one, THIS one....it's just hard & it sucks. And everyone around me knew it....but I didn't. I thought it'd be fine, it'd be an adventure. Hm.

As I'm writing this, two verses come to mind. Philippians 4:7, which says that "...the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts & minds in Christ Jesus." ....So I know that He is guarding me, and will put peace in my heart that I may not understand. And I also know that "The Lord is my Rock my Fortress and my deliverer, my God is my Rock in whom I take refuge." (Psalm 18:2) Therefore I know that He will be the one to bring me through....to bring US through. I may not be prepared for what's next....but I know that when my expectations meet reality, God will be the one who will comfort, provide, protect & reveal all that it is I am to know and do.

Our eyes are on You

We know not what to do, but our eyes are on you." (2 Chronicles 20:12) It's true, do we really know what we're doing?  What is this mission we're on?  Keep our eyes on Jesus. When we don't know what to do, where are we supposed to look?  To HIM.  The author & perfecter of our life.  

Many times, things come into our life, and we count them as coincidence.  We ask why they happened, or blow them off like it doesn't mean anything....but what if it SHOULD mean something?  I sometimes go through life, noticing some things and not others, or maybe paying attention to things that are big, and not noticing the seemingly insignificant happenings of my daily life.  But those things can and ARE used by God to shape us and mold us.  We as a person might be confused by the events of our lives, but God seeks to use those, in growing us into the person He's designed us to be! 

So here's a thought from Jerry Sittser "God, too, is an artist, but the materials for his works of art are not marble or canvas but flesh and blood. We are the ones he wants to shape into beautiful creatures. He, like any artist, sees what ought to be in us and chips away at everything that keeps us from it. That is the essence of God's grace for discipleship, his initiative."

Don't you sometimes feel that God is involved, but kinda observing to a point what is happening?  I do sometimes.  I forget that He takes initiative in putting this or that in our way, to help us...maybe not what we would consider helping, but more...to form us, give us opportunities to grow perhaps?  Think about this quote from E. Stanley Jones, "Don't bear trouble, use it....Take whatever happens--justice and injustice, pleasure and pain, compliment and criticism--take it up into the purpose of your life and make something out of it. Turn it into a testimony. Don't explain evil; exploit it; make it serve you."

Hm...puts a new vision out there, doesn't it?  So when we don't know what to do, or when we don't understand what's going on, we're to look to God....but also, as Sittser goes on to suggest, we should keep one eye also on what God is doing IN us, not just around us.  What are we supposed to take from this situation?  Who are we supposed to become?  Why are we here and not somewhere else?  

Let's look together, at the days we have here, there, wherever, and think together.....am I supposed to be learning something here?  If you're answer is yes (which it probably should be...) then what is it that I'm supposed to see?  Seek God, and He'll reveal that to you....individually.  It might not come right away, that's why we're to seek HIM.  So...go for it!

Expectation-2

A while ago, I wrote about expectations, the ones that people have for us, the ones we have for ourselves and ones we have about other people. But what about those expectations that you fight yourself not to have, the ones that you know better than to have, but yet somewhere inside you, when the expectation isn't filled, you realize that it was still there....though you tried to deny it.

It's like no matter what you do, there's always some expectation as to what will happen....either good or bad. Justified or not, your expectations are there, and get you excited or nervous or anxious or hesitant or whatever it is that you feel about an upcoming event or situation, and it just is what it is. So what do you try and do? Not get excited, or nervous, or anxious, or hesitant. You try really hard to tell yourself it's not a big deal, just calm down, take a breath...it's just whatever. But it seems to have an opposite effect. It's like if you tell yourself it's not a big deal, it really becomes one. You tell yourself not to get anxious, but then you do. If it's something not to worry about, somehow it worries you.

Then it happens. The day comes, the moment comes, and it's here. No more expectations, because what is IS, anticipation becomes anti-climactic. You find yourself rolling with the twists of the day, and pretty soon it's over. Done. All cleared up & you're through. And what of your expectations? Nothing. Except that somehow you feel like nothing really happened, and so then it comes to the surface that you really DID have expectations...yep, those you kept telling yourself you didn't have. Well, la-di-dah, they were there, and now you feel a little let down that you had those expectations and nothing really changed. Nothing for the worse, nothing for the better...just okay. And you're okay with that, honestly okay. But just okay. Not thrilled, not angry, just okay.

The next question is, how do you get past those feelings of expectation that you had, denied, felt, accepted & now are trying analyze? I guess that's where faith comes in...trying to see that the faith in Christ that you have, will come through again, taking those expectations & doing SOMETHING with them. Putting my expectations in my neat little packing boxes, under the shelf, and waiting to see what God has in store for the next day, or month, or year. Waiting to see what will develop, what wont, where he'll take you, where you'll stay, what you'll learn, what you'll wonder about, who you are and who you'll be. Expect something, expect nothing, but whatever you expect, expect that God will be there, when the expectations that you don't expect, leave you expecting something more....

Expectation

For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men. (2 Corinthians 8:21)

Lately, the thoughts of expectations have been clouding my mind....bubbling over into frustration & questioning. This person expects this of me.....the other expecting something else, one more expecting me to go here or do this, act this way or say this one thing. It's frustrating. It bothers me when I feel that people expect much out of me....one way or another. Expectations of people can be good, challenging them to live up to things greater than their own self imaginings. It can also be a weight, dragging a person into continuous performance mode in which they are always doing what other people expect and not looking at who they really would be if they did their own thing. It seems that I also am one of those people who expects much out of the people who surround me. I expect that leaders will be good examples, I expect that teachers are knowledgeable, I expect that students are curious, I expect many things.....and yet because of that, I somehow believe that those same expectations are reflected back onto my life, and probably accurately so to some extent. It is then that I feel pressure, sinking into my soul, to ....be this way, know this thing, return this faster.... And being a person who really does not like to "be who everyone expects me to be," I sometimes do things that are opposite of what I want to do, because they're exactly what you EXPECT me to do. In high school, I was the pastor's kid....people had certain expectations about me because of that, and I never thought that was fair because it wasn't MY choice to be the child of a minister. So, in defiance to the "expectations," I would say certain things, act certain ways that I really didn't WANT to do, but I did it anyway to say "see, I'm really not that good," or "there's more to me than you think." When really deep down, I probably WAS a lot of what people assumed about me, but wasn't confident enough in it to stand up for myself. Lately, it feels that this type of thing is beginning to cycle around....people expect certain things and because I don't feel "worthy" or "capable" or "motivated," I choose to do the opposite. Take longer on an answer, show up late to an event, cancel on a close friend for no good reason. It's kinda like the passage in Romans, chapter 7:15-25 that says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

So can we change this ourselves? The expectation would be yes....we are powerful, strong, confident people who have the ability to change how we act. Yet, that is a worldly expectation that gives US power that should be God's to yield where He chooses. Therefore, think about the following & pray with me as we struggle to be confident dependents on Christ: I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)

Wind

This morning, I awoke to a tatting on my window, in the darkness it was a sharp reminder that the world continued to spin while I came in & out of sleep tangled with dreams. Stepping outside I stopped to savor the strong wind that circled around me, twirling my hair around itself & my chilled face. The wind, powerful & cold...refreshing & inviting. I stood there with my eyes closed, allowing the gusts to surround me, holding me tight, like a welcomed friend in the morning.

I don't know what it was about the wind this morning, something about the power & the brisk feeling that told me I was loved & that this next year would be different. The cold was not bitter, but an awakening that things will change & be renewed. It was an air that took my breath away in beauty & awe of the power that causes the wind...I was struck that yes, we are still here but that I am changing, just like the wind. God has put me in strong winds for a reason, to bring out his glory in my life...where the winds will blow I do not know, yet blow they must.

As I walked across the mostly barren lot towards a warm building, I waited, feeling once again the wind on my face, this time feeling it blow my hair back, away from my face & covering me with warmth that only a chill air can. Fresh air. Blunt awareness of the change coming. Clear skies that open to hope.

Defining Moments

The thought occurred to me today to think about those defining moments in my life, when something has shifted inside of me to make my view of life or of myself change. I immediately thought about the moments that huge surprises come upon us, and we are thrown into a time or moment of shock....or maybe awe. But is it really in that same moment that we change? You might argue with me (and not get too much fight from me) that it is in that moment that some things may change, or rather we may realize at that moment that things will be essentially different, but realizing situations or life will be different doesn't necessarily equal a defining moment.

For something to define you, I believe it takes insight, circumstantial change & inner rearranging both in thought & actions. Let's take Black Thursday for example. That was a horrible day & incidents that changed many people's lives. But....let's think. Was it in those moments that people were changed? Or was it in the weeks - months to follow that they were changed? I would argue that it is in the small moments, the ones we barely notice, where we grow the most & where the rest of our lives are defined. It is in the small, quiet moments that reality meets our dreams & the two collide to make a new vision.

It is in those moments where you realize you have to choose to either dwell in the shock of your circumstance of grasp the truth that you hold inside & move forward in a new or redefined direction. Using the knowledge you've gained to cast light on your path. You have to choose to look ahead, not forgetting the past but using it. What you do after those startling days, will define who you are. It will show who the real you is and what you're capable of. For it should not be the circumstances around us that shape who we are, but the change within us that defines our life.