Deep love, Deep hurt

The past few months, the thought of a deeper love equaling deeper hurt, has been on my mind.  This is not to say that deeper love inevitably hurts, or that you shouldn't be willing to love deep, but that when you are vulnerable to deeply love, that same vulnerability opens yourself to be feel much more pain if & when you are hurt by something or someone.

This happens to us as people, but it also intrigues me in our love relationship with God. "For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) "My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20)"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."(1 John 4:16)

If God loved us THAT much, that He would give us His only son, that He would live in us, that God is synonymous with love in the way that if we love, we are in Him, that's powerful.  That's a deep love, that's an amazing love. "This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins." (1 John 4:10)

So can you imagine with me then, that through God's love for us, incomprehensibly deep & devoted, that when we hurt or when we turn from Him, either way....just think of how much He must hurt with us & for us. "In all their suffering he also suffered,..." (Isaiah 63:9) It says in the Bible how God suffers with us...and if the greater the love the greater the pain can be, I can only imagine that God suffers greatly over each & every one of us, longing for us to come near to Him, to dwell in Him, to be comforted by Him & to understand His love for us. He mourns with us, but doesn't stay inactive...He comes after us.  Isaiah goes on to say "...and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years."

Through all the years....forever, ....loving us deeply, holding us in our pain, hurting for us when we walk away, His love never fades. "The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease." (Lamentations 3:22)  This gives me hope, confidence & full assurance that when I hurt, I am not alone. It also reminds me that as much as I am able to love, He is able to love more fully, more completely, more intimately than I will ever understand, and that through our doubt, questioning, longing for answers, that He loves us still.  Be confident in this: "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." (Ephesians 3:17-19)

A little something

I just found the following, hidden away in my documents folder....not sure when I wrote it, but I wanted to share it with you today.

Like little seeds planted in the ground, the seed must die for a new plant to grow! It's like us....when we were ignorant to the grace of God, we lived for ourselves & though we may have done "good" in the eyes of the world, ultimately there was no purpose, no end goal that we could strive for, except for pleasure in ourselves & our works. Now, through the ultimate sacrifice of God's death & divine miracle of His resurrection, we have a hope of something else. We have something to live for, someone who died for us, and now we can live a new life, dedicated to honoring Him for the gift he's given us....freedom, forgiveness, faithfulness, fullness of life, a fearless way to live.

I want my earthly inheritance to be spent before it's stockpiled...I hope to give it away, and to bless those who may never be encouraged to take a step of faith into a life they never dreamed of.  In Psalms 68, it talks about putting the lonely in families. Well, I've been given a family, but others have not. They are the lonely, and they can be part of our family...my family...God's family. The love, care & provision that I have been blessed with all my life, can be someone else's if you or I care enough to share it with them. Sharing not only the practical things like food, shelter, & water, but God's blessings of love, acceptance, forgiveness & encouragement.

Wherever I go, whoever I become, this is the person I want to be: I want to be someone who serves others, who cares about the people who are rejected from society, who is involved with missions, who goes wherever I’m needed so I can meet a need, someone who seeks God first, who is unashamedly Christian, who gives all that I am to love on people, & listening at all times.

Training Camp of Character

This past week I photographed, watched and learned about the MN Vikings from a whole new perspective.  A friend met me there mid-week, and admitted that this was never something she would have chosen to attend herself.  I was glad to have her around though.  During the practices, she sat on the bleachers & I ran around taking photos.  One day as we walked away from the field, she mentioned something that has stuck with me the last few days.  She told me about sitting in the bleachers, watching the team practice, and listening to the crowds cheer & root for them.  They would praise the players who made a great catch, comment on the muscles someone had, cheer for a nice kick, etc...all encouraging the performance, abilities & physicality of a player.  My friend noted that it's our society that praises these things, and that it's pretty common to do, but wondered what it would be like to live in a society that praised not the accomplishments necessarily but the character of the person before us.

Wow. Praise someone's character? That thought goes beyond winning or losing, but to the internal soul of what makes that person who they are, and the fruit that they are expressing.  "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." (Hebrews 3:13)  ...encourage one another, there's no group here, it seems pretty broad, it's to be for everyone...and what are the things we should encourage each other about?  "...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...." (Galatians 5:22-23) These are the things that we should be praising...."Way to be gentle in that hard place", "You have such joy about this", "Your patience astounds me", etc.  I'm getting excited just in writing this, to encourage someone today.

So what would it look like if we became a society that praised someone based on their character and not on their physical strength, skill or speed?  How would that change people, and how would it effect each of us?  Wouldn't you be strengthened inside to continue doing good & making decisions that would please our Heavenly Father?  Let's be encouraged now, and freely give encouragement to those in whom we see Christ working through their character. Let's build each other up not only on our accomplishments but on who we are becoming through every situation & circumstance despite those accomplishments or failures. Let's let this life we live be a training camp of character, with the goal of heaven to drive us, so when we break camp, we can stand before the Father in bold confidence that he who began a good work in us continued through the end.

A fork in the Road

Alright, I just HAD to share this story I read last night... An older man "the Sage" and a young boy were walking through the woods. These were woods that were WAY out in the middle of untouched land. They followed a footpath that had been worn down & when they were completely immersed in the woods, the path split into three directions. The two men stopped & wondered which way would take them to the waterfalls they were seeking. The Sage asked the boy which he would take, if only one would lead them to the falls. The boy didn't know, because none of the paths were marked and said if he chose one, he'd be worried the whole time that he had chosen the wrong path. Then the Sage posed the question...what if all three paths led to the falls, then which would you choose?

That's how the story ended....them deciding which path to choose. I'm not completely through the whole thought of this chapter, but basically.....it's about us, on our walk with God. Sometimes we have choices in front of us, that aren't marked. All three look good, all three unknown paths.... It's hard to choose if you think that only one path is the "correct" one. But if God is so good, and big, can't he direct us all to where He wants us to go, no matter the choices we make?

If we take too much time trying to figure out what God's will is for our life....what path he wants us to take...we will bog ourselves down with "stuff" instead of just DOING what God's will is, and that's to love God & love people. He can you use wherever, whatever your choices, whichever your path. Are we DOING God's will right now? Or are we just THINKING about what He wants us to do?

Wholly Yours

It's interesting how God divinely orchestrates pieces of the puzzle to fit together perfectly, and all in one weekend. It never ceases to amaze me how that happens. The sermon I heard last evening, was speaking about paying attention to the grapes & thorns in life...seeing the Spirit at work in people. Then I read in a book last night, all about how when we come into the faith, sometimes we can become lopsided Christians..."We will fight God's battles without learning to rest in him and thus exhaust ourselves and perhaps become cynical. We will discipline ourselves to maturity but never be enfolded by grace and so become rigid and self-righteous. We will be healed of our problems but rarely accept the cureless pain of helping others. Or we will climb the mountain of financial, spiritual and popular success but refuse to descend into the pit of defeat, where most people live."(The Adventure, Jerry Sittser)

It goes on to encourage us to discover the multi-faceted realm of Christ, the life he offers & what he truly intended us to learn & become. There's so much, so many things about life & faith that I have yet to learn. It's exciting to search for it, frustrating sometimes because my nature wants to know it all NOW, and yet that's just not the way it works. It's about a life of seeking, developing and learning new things about God's grace, love & forgiveness. About seeing ways to love people out of the love you have for God. ...many ways that I've never even thought of I'm sure. In Matthew 5, there's a guideline if you will, about Christian maturity...here's the list:

3"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

This goes into every aspect of life, making one's life fully sweet, not thorny....looking at this description, it doesn't seem like you can really (or should really) put Christianity in one compartment of your life without it affecting everything else around it. Let Christ transform your WHOLE life, let's do this together, dive in to see His truth and his variety of joys He is seeking out for us.

Confirmation of Calling?

Some days, do you wake up and wonder if what you have felt called to is really something you're still called to? Have you questioned if God really wants you to stand up for a certain people, or if it was all just your own thoughts provoking you forward? What about when you choose a different direction from what you knew you were called, does God then give you a new direction or does He sit patiently waiting for you to remember to that which you were called?

This morning, as I was watching a comedy clip, using Romanian farmers as the butt of the joke, I was really moved. Now this may BE my own thoughts, but because God has placed a deep love for the people of Romania, it hurts me when others make an image of them that could be very hurtful. It just confirmed that yes, the draw is still there, yes, the pull is for Christ's overwhelming love to cover them, yes, God desires righteousness from others & myself, yes, God will provide the way.

Though I am troubled, the people of Romania are still protected & guarded by God the Father, our Deliverer. He will send who He needs, and guide those He calls. So for now, I pray for you and them, that we all remember, "my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior— from violent men you save me." (2 Samuel 22:3)

Black & Blu but NEW

We've all seen way too much
But we can't look away from the sun
A silhouette was burned in our minds
It's gonna take so much time
To forget what we've seen, who we met, where we been

So thinking about the past year, the good the bad, the ugly & yet awkwardly beautiful, these lyrics describe it greatly. They talk about how we all get beat up & bruised, and that it's going to take a lot to get all the pain & "stuff" off of our lives.

Starting this year fresh, hopefully it will be a year of....who knows what. Hopefully nothing like this year, but yet hopefully a lot of growing too, learning & adventure!

There will always be time to lick my wounds, put steak on my eye & cry more....but there will not always be time to live here, with you & share how God has blessed me. Help me in my prayer that whatever happens this year, that we will have confidence in Christ's direction & will for our lives. That He will be glorified in what we do & that if we are asked to take a new step forward....that we will.

A Positive Memory

Okay, so here's something that is good! Some of you know that I work with an 8th grade class at my church, teaching them & questioning them about what they believe about Christianity & the theology in their hearts. Basically, here's what our church believes, and why....and then asking them to look into the Bible & to discover for themselves what they believe. So two Wednesdays ago, my friend Ellen & I took this group to a memory loss home. We paired off each of the kids with a resident to do a "thanksgiving" craft. For each pair, we had a sketch of a bare tree...then we had the kids ask the residents what they were thankful for & write it on printed colored leaves & paste them on the tree. It was so cool. Afterwards, we took the kids to culvers to talk about the experience. It was interesting to have them open up about how they were intimidated right away & nervous because they didn't know what to expect. They noted how many of the residents kept repeating questions "like 50 times!" The kids thought it was neat to meet people who others sometimes think is less important or worthy. And they were excited at the possibility to go back again! Then last week, due to outside circumstances, we only had 1/2 hour to brief the kids on the lesson for next week on how we are created in God's image. I took 8 of them out for pizza and discussion...we talked about which was more important between a puppy, baby, horse or old person. They almost all chose the baby, but then I gave them other questions like...if you were a pregnant teen & your fiance wasn't the dad of the baby & your parents might disown you, would you have an abortion? Then I asked what if you had twins, one was disabled & the other born somewhat "normal" and you could only keep one alive....which would you choose? And then again, if there was an old person who couldn't remember anything, and didn't know any family anymore, would it be so bad if someone helped them to die? The whole point in asking these questions was to get the kids to wonder what it is about us as humans, that makes us special. Is it who we are physically? Mentally? Socially? or is it more than that? If we're created in the image of God, what does that mean? Why does that make us special & worth something? And if we're ALL created in the image of God, is it fair or right to judge one person worth more than another? We got into a good discussion, and I think they really "got it" that the Bible is clear about our value in life. At the end of the night, I had each of the kids write their name on the top of a red note card. Then they passed them around the table, and everyone wrote one thing that they thought was unique and special about that person. Then we read Psalm 139. (which when i told them psalm 139, they all wrote psalm 1:39.....thought that was funny!) “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.”

What comfort, to know that God knows us inside & out, upside & down, good & bad, our worth & our sinfulness. He knows us & yet loves us. He chose us. He chose to die for us, to bring Glory to Himself. He alone is worth more than anything we can think of...He is.

TEAR5

This weekend was very trying on me. Saturday evening I took part in a Novembering service at Church of the Open Door. It was beautiful, every part…we lit candles, sang beautiful songs, remembered those who we have lost & grieved with each other as we sat & wept. Maybe not everyone wept, but I sure did. I slept deep that night & woke up crying. Not a hard cry, but just a solemn finality of life cry. Sunday morning I listened as my dad preached on suffering & hope. I did not want to hear about hope…don’t get me wrong, that’s the ONLY thing getting me through each day, but I didn’t want to hear it. I cried the ENTIRE service…from the first songs through the last prayer & beyond. I just would not hold myself back, which I know I should not do, but wow did I hurt. Now, as I write this, my eyes are refilling themselves with tears.

There are many reasons why I write to you my thoughts, emotions, feelings & frustrations. I want to be honest. I desire to share, yet am sometimes unwilling to vocalize. I yearn to heal. I need encouragement. I remind myself that “yes, there are things to hope for & people who care.” I pray that through my honesty & openness that you are able to be encouraged.

This morning, I was encouraged. An email I received referenced a verse I have never read (or at least didn’t remember). While the truth is something I hold onto with white knuckles, sometimes I forget. The verse was Malachi 3:6a, “I the LORD do not change.” Such confidence I can have here, and so can you…. It is interesting. The title “lord” means (in my terms) ruler over my life and death. And so I see that amidst the changes of both life and death, our LORD does not change. He is the same yesterday, today & forever.

My prayer for you & for me, is that together, while we seek out what our futures look like, and how our pasts influence how we grow into our future, that we would bind together as friends, brothers, sisters, encouragers, rejoicers & mourners….that we would come along side each other in prayer & support as we approach God in our weakness. In our brokenness, that we would share with each other realizing our inability as humans to recover from this alone. To see that God has given us each other to lean on while we are walking this earth together.

Here's a song that touched me this weekend. It's called "I will Rise" by Chris Tomlin.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg

Change from Sluggish

So....today, I'm sluggish. I watched tv almost straight through from yesterday at 1:30 to this morning at 9am. Yep, my mom asked me if I was in denial and my answer was "no, i'm just not wanting to do anything." ....aka, yes. I KNOW that I cannot just sit here, but I really just want to try. There's nothing that really interests me today, except my really good haggen daz carmelized pear & toasted pecan ice cream that's alone in my freezer. I think literally, I could wear my pajamas until they fall off me....or I'm forced to take them off for the safety of the public.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."-John 16:33

I'm trying to remember this, but then another wave of blah comes closer & I have to remind myself what the heck i was trying to think about. oh yeah I say...hm, oh well.

Someday, maybe not today, I'll change. This too will make me into a stronger person, right? Sure. Sometime maybe. Not today though.

Blessed

Last night, while driving around Minneapolis, my radio was tuned into 91.5fm, a great Christian rock station which also plays clean secular music too! (It’s great!) I asked my friend if she’d heard of it before, she said no & I then told her just HOW great it was, and encouraged her to try it sometime! Well, it really didn’t occur to me WHY I was so excited to tell her about it until this morning. I thought...why did I mention it specifically to her & not to my other friend in the car? Well, the one lives downtown Minneapolis, where the station comes in really great! ...and the other friend doesn’t...like me, so we can’t tune in the station at all. :-( I thought it out further and thought it’s like...I really appreciate that station, what it says, who they are, what they do, etc...but because of where I live, I don’t have the opportunity to enjoy or listen to it! Therefore, when I find out someone I care about DOES live in an area where you can hear the station, I feel compelled to tell them about it. Since I can’t hear it, but they can, it’s like aHHHH! Listen for goodness sakes!

This is not just a bunch of ramblings...I do have a point. How many of us live in an area where Christianity is suppressed or banned? I doubt if any of us do. (Maybe suppressed a little, but more by ourselves.) What a great opportunity then, seeing that we HAVE the signal, we can hear the gospel, we can talk about it….but why don’t we? People in other countries or under other governments don’t have the freedoms we do when it comes to our faith. It feels like I hear things from those oppressed people like “don’t take your faith for granted,” or “you don’t understand how good you have it,” or “if I had the life you do, I would be telling all sorts of people about Jesus.” It makes me wonder...why don’t I head that thought, or act on it?

Stand Forever

As I'm working today, the flowers on my desk are all withering away....when I brought back an empty vase, my friend said "Don't you wish they would last forever?" Then the verse from Isaiah came to me: "The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." (Isaiah 40:8)

In life, there are things that leave us... beauty, wealth, strength, & power. God's word survives through it all. Flowers will die off, food will rot, clothes will wear, but God's word survives through it all. Tragedies happen, relationships fail, warriors are defeated, but God's word survives through it all.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10) God's word will sustain us, guide us, redeem us and heal us. He alone will give us strength to press forward, wisdom to judge clearly, discernment in difficult situations, peace when we are restless, and comfort when fear comes close.

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock." (Psalm 27:4-5) This is my prayer. May you join me in the beauty & love that is our God. He is the sustainer & creator of life. He will be our refuge & our hope. His love abounds to the edges of the earth & the depths of the sea.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction & faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12) Stay close to the father and unlike the flowers, you will not fade away.

Detox

Alright, I know you're all thinking.....man, she's going deep with this, and I might by the end, but seriously, I'm just writing to say how incredibly odd my family is! (Though it's rather endearing!) My mom borrowed a "detox" contraption, where you stick your feet in salt water & add this electric thing in the water....and the color the water turns after 30 minutes, will show you what in your body is really needing detox....in theory, if you do this enough, it'll "clean you out." SO....what did we do tonight? Had my aunt, her two kids & all of my fam try it out....while the rest stood around and watched. AH! what a great past time eh? I can't believe this....we're serious crazies some nights.

But bringing this around, don't you wish we had a test like that, where we could stick our feet in the water of life, and depending on the color, we'd know if we needed to really work on pride, lust, envy, greed, or any other thing we are holding above God? It'd be great too if there was something we could do for 30 min. a day, and eventually it'd just be gone! Well, I can say from experience, that God Himself WILL tell you what you need to be growing in or working on, and if you purposefully spend time with Him and His Word, you will see those things working their way out of your life & being replaced with the goodness & purity of Christ himself....AH detox.

Just a note...

So this is not my thought, but took it off a comment of a friend's post & it really spoke to me....we all have difficult times, times where we think we wont make it through....and if we do we'll be charred or broken. If it speaks to you too, let me know!

"I looked at one of those Hawaiian "Sugar in the Raw" packets the other day at Starbucks... it says, "volcanic soil" on them... somehow through the havoc volcanic ash imposes, the soil nearby in its rarity is rich and in some ways purified (I guess that means the sugar grows sweeter there?). I like to believe that these moments we have that are 'uncomfortable and difficult' in some way make our heart's soil rich like that. No doubt, what God grows in your life will thrive because of times like the ones you mentioned."