Monday, April 05, 2010

indescribable

It's unexplainable, and indescribable what my hollow body feels right now.  In the last few days, hours & moments, there is a need I have to repeatedly put my hand over my heart, to remind myself that I am alive. My heart that is feeling so much is yet completely numb and stilled with life.

What more can I say when my mother, my beloved mother who was and is my world, has disappeared before my eyes?  My heart beats to a song that no longer plays.  In almost every memory I recalled this weekend, her influence or presence was in each one....and I did not want to share those memories...I almost wished that I had memories that were apart from her...and yet there are none. We did everything together, and if we were not together we shared everything with each other.  This constant communication will be the hardest to get used to.  Unexplainably, the last few mornings, as I awake from an unrestful rest, my arms are wrapped tight around my soul, and it feels as though someone else is holding me...like my mother, from somewhere, is holding me and comforting me as I awake to the bitterly silent home.

Although I feel I want to write everything I'm thinking out now....I will withhold some, and will be continuing this walk with grief once again.  If you are reading this, and have memories of my mother, I would love to hear them. Please write.

4 comments:

  1. Chelsa10:51 PM

    Alissa, I remember when you invited me to go bowling with your entire family and spent some time where you grew up in the country. I remember having beautiful conversations with your mom as we bowled and went to eat chinese food! I also loved when you showed me your photo album book of your trip to Ireland with your Mom! What a special memory to have of her and to share that with her and you together!

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  2. It seems so unfair to have such a wonderful person gone, but death is not the victor! It is not fair, it is not fun, but one day... reunited! LOVE YOU

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  3. Oh, Alissa. My heart continues to break.
    I didn't know your mom very well, but every time I saw her, she was just so sweet. She had a quiet strength about her. I admired both of your parents so much for taking in four adopted kids. She had a beautiful, generous heart!

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  4. Sweet Alissa, this....sucks. Thanks for sharing your heart here, you are being thought of daily. I remember very well the Christmas that my family spent next door to yours. In fact, that year remains our favorite Christmas. I remember that we played games in your living room, and your mom had the most creative game ideas. We also sat in the kitchen making snowflakes, and your mom was fully involved in that while serving us delicious spiced tea. She loved well. She served well. It is a privilege to say that I met her.

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