You know how you expect things....you know they're coming, or you think they're coming...but the way you expect to feel when they come isn't at all how they feel once it becomes reality? It's like your expectations meant nothing because nothing prepared you for this. And no matter how long you'd been expecting it...it just wasn't what it really was when reality hit? Hm.
It's like if you play a scene in your head...you know that Thing A will be happening...so you process all the possibilities & probabilities of what will be the effect of Thing A, that causes Thing B. You convince yourself that Thing B will be great, that it'll be grand, that it will work out. But when Thing A comes along, you react, turning into motion Thing XYZ and not even close to B....and then you freeze.
It happened tonight. As I'm wrapping presents, alone in my parents house. I'm wrapping all of my families presents. The door bell rings, from someone unexpected. Then here on the door is a friend, bringing care packages to my family, because he knows that this Christmas will be different. Yes it will. I knew it would be....I prepared for it. But as I took the packages, thanking him for his prayers & care, I placed them gently on the chair and started to cry. How is it that someone ELSE knew how hard a different kind of Christmas this would be....but to me, I had no idea! I get that this isn't going to be like this every Christmas from here on out....but this one, THIS one....it's just hard & it sucks. And everyone around me knew it....but I didn't. I thought it'd be fine, it'd be an adventure. Hm.
As I'm writing this, two verses come to mind. Philippians 4:7, which says that "...the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts & minds in Christ Jesus." ....So I know that He is guarding me, and will put peace in my heart that I may not understand. And I also know that "The Lord is my Rock my Fortress and my deliverer, my God is my Rock in whom I take refuge." (Psalm 18:2) Therefore I know that He will be the one to bring me through....to bring US through. I may not be prepared for what's next....but I know that when my expectations meet reality, God will be the one who will comfort, provide, protect & reveal all that it is I am to know and do.