'A vacation is what I need to get away, to escape, to heal.' At least that's what I unconsciously told myself, convincing my heart that this time away would bring me the peace that I so desperately sought. Naively I believed myself, and didn't think one thing about it not being even 1 percent truth.
It was just about two weeks ago that I remembered a deep truth in my heart...that my life situations are what they are, yet only I have the choice in whether I live in them or truly live because of them. Living not in depth of despair, but out of the depths into the light of our Heavenly Father. Taking those changes & seeing where God wants me to go with them. Joy has always been something that God has blessed me with, and it has been so obvious through past hardships, but in the last few months I viciously pushed it away...I really just didn't WANT to be joyful, or happy. 'I'll be happy when I go to Ireland, that'll make me happy. I'll change then, just not now.'
It was only a few days ago that I subtly realized this, and realized that my renewed joy was from the refreshing rediscovery of the fact that it is not a new land that will give me peace, not a new surrounding, not new pictures or meeting new people. Peace would not come from getting away, from writing for days or reading a new book in a far off place, far away from the troubles of this world....no, peace came from the One who is the author & perfecter of our peace. It is the JOY that He alone can bring to my heart. Only through Him will I be able to find sustenance to bring me through another day, hopefully more after that too.
It was then that I pondered, 'Where IS my hope? is it in this "trip" that I'm heading out on, or is it in Christ?' I had to admit that most of my faith was that Ireland would be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow....the promise after the rain. However, it will not be that for me, for I have found my joy...the rainbow that God gave me when He adopted me.
Ireland will not be a place that will bring me peace, but a land that will hopefully give me space to feel & meet God in a new way that I wouldn't before. For it is ONLY in him that I can rest.