This weekend, God knew that I needed to hear from Him. Softly though, I needed Him. As I left my house, I was surrounded by piles of raked leaves....evidence that I did yard work last fall...and did not complete it before winter. The thought that I needed someone to tell me DO THIS was in my mind....if only someone could come along & help me to actually DO something, I might actually complete this work at last. I arrived at church and I sat still & silent, waiting to see how God would speak. For some reason too, I wanted to see a particular friend. I didn't know why, but the desire was there to see her.
This is how He softly came. As I turned to leave the sanctuary, I stopped to say hello to a friend. Over her shoulder, I looked & saw tightly wound curls....my friend, who I wanted to see so badly, was at my church (not her church) and was walking towards me. How could she know that that particular Sunday she would be such a blessing to sore, aching eyes. As we spoke and laughed, another lady approached me saying "I know how hard it can be to do housework if you don't have someone there to motivate you to just do it." I was totally blown away & amazed. She told me to call her and that she would help. I loved that Sunday.
Last night, as I drove across the city, my radio loud, a song came across that meant so much to me in that place. There is such simplistic truth here, so as much as I would try to describe it, I will allow the words to speak for themselves. Below are the lyrics, and a YouTube link so you can hear it as well.
I have unanswered prayers, I have trouble I wish wasn't there, And I have asked a thousand ways, That You would take my pain away, That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand, How to walk this weary land, Make straight the paths that crookedly lie, Oh Lord, before these feet of mine, Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, Heaven stands, When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth, You healed the broken, lost, and hurt, I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right, Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking, Heaven stands, When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands
Your hands, Your hands that shape the world, Are holding me, they hold me still, Your hands that shape the world, Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking, Heaven stands, When my heart is breaking, I never leave You when...
When my world is shaking, Heaven stands, When my heart is breaking, I never leave...I never leave Your hands.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
There has never....
Today the air seems heavy, my limbs feel weighted, one of my fingers has an insatiable twitching....I want to cry every time that I turn around the corner. I don't know what it is about today....I have shivers on the inside and yet I want to stand or run out in the cold rain. There are no real words to describe....I can't tell you what would make me feel better. Doubtful if anything would.
There has never been a time in my life that I have not talked with my mother for more than two weeks. It has now been almost three weeks to the day that I last spoke to her. It wasn't much...we talked about what was happening, we talked about how she felt and how she didn't want to lose me. We talked about my new website I wanted to make, and how I had found a name I really liked...not for my site, but in general. The name was Lucile Ann. I told her I liked that name because it was her middle name & my grandma's first name. She told me before I left that day, that she really liked that name, but that I should put an "e" on Anne.
I remember playing piano, her playing music me playing notes. Somehow we always made music together and it sounded beautiful, our mixing of melodies. I remember gardening, weeding, and planting. I remember her stories that snap dragons would bite my fingers off if I got too close....I kept away because she was always truthful. I remember putting our fingers in the water, to feel the coolness & stirring of the unseen tremors of the water.
My joints ache with the pain of an unexpressed sorrow. The anticipation of days ahead leave me with urges to close my eyes and to not think, to not breath, to not imagine. And how can you imagine, when the future is so unclear, and unknown, indiscernible? I breathe. Once, twice, again & again. Waiting & hoping for relief.
There has never been a time in my life that I have not talked with my mother for more than two weeks. It has now been almost three weeks to the day that I last spoke to her. It wasn't much...we talked about what was happening, we talked about how she felt and how she didn't want to lose me. We talked about my new website I wanted to make, and how I had found a name I really liked...not for my site, but in general. The name was Lucile Ann. I told her I liked that name because it was her middle name & my grandma's first name. She told me before I left that day, that she really liked that name, but that I should put an "e" on Anne.
I remember playing piano, her playing music me playing notes. Somehow we always made music together and it sounded beautiful, our mixing of melodies. I remember gardening, weeding, and planting. I remember her stories that snap dragons would bite my fingers off if I got too close....I kept away because she was always truthful. I remember putting our fingers in the water, to feel the coolness & stirring of the unseen tremors of the water.
My joints ache with the pain of an unexpressed sorrow. The anticipation of days ahead leave me with urges to close my eyes and to not think, to not breath, to not imagine. And how can you imagine, when the future is so unclear, and unknown, indiscernible? I breathe. Once, twice, again & again. Waiting & hoping for relief.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Questions or Statements
So many people have been speaking to me, and telling me..."I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say, and don't worry....I won't be the millionth person to ask how you are." Well, I want to give you permission to ask.
The simple truth is...in my attempt to be honest with myself & with those around me, I fail in offering up much information about how I feel or what I struggle with. However, if someone directly asks me not just how I feel, but how do I feel about: ______ or what will I miss about:______ or how will:______ impact the ____ part of your life? Those questions are all good, normal & welcomed.
In this shock and awe of grief, my mind is not actively thinking about how my life is changing, has changed or will change. I'm just trying to simply survive from one second to the next. Laying one foot down in front of the other. Drive one more mile without crying.
I'll tell you this too....don't be afraid to ask me about things, because if I don't want to talk about it, I'll tell you. I'm becoming better at saying "no thanks" when things come to me that I don't want to share....so I'll let you know if I can't talk about what you're wanting to know, and I won't be mad that you asked, okay?
Alright, now that all that is on the table, I hope you feel a little more comfortable talking to me, and I hope you'll take advantage of my openness.
The simple truth is...in my attempt to be honest with myself & with those around me, I fail in offering up much information about how I feel or what I struggle with. However, if someone directly asks me not just how I feel, but how do I feel about: ______ or what will I miss about:______ or how will:______ impact the ____ part of your life? Those questions are all good, normal & welcomed.
In this shock and awe of grief, my mind is not actively thinking about how my life is changing, has changed or will change. I'm just trying to simply survive from one second to the next. Laying one foot down in front of the other. Drive one more mile without crying.
I'll tell you this too....don't be afraid to ask me about things, because if I don't want to talk about it, I'll tell you. I'm becoming better at saying "no thanks" when things come to me that I don't want to share....so I'll let you know if I can't talk about what you're wanting to know, and I won't be mad that you asked, okay?
Alright, now that all that is on the table, I hope you feel a little more comfortable talking to me, and I hope you'll take advantage of my openness.
Monday, April 05, 2010
indescribable
It's unexplainable, and indescribable what my hollow body feels right now. In the last few days, hours & moments, there is a need I have to repeatedly put my hand over my heart, to remind myself that I am alive. My heart that is feeling so much is yet completely numb and stilled with life.
What more can I say when my mother, my beloved mother who was and is my world, has disappeared before my eyes? My heart beats to a song that no longer plays. In almost every memory I recalled this weekend, her influence or presence was in each one....and I did not want to share those memories...I almost wished that I had memories that were apart from her...and yet there are none. We did everything together, and if we were not together we shared everything with each other. This constant communication will be the hardest to get used to. Unexplainably, the last few mornings, as I awake from an unrestful rest, my arms are wrapped tight around my soul, and it feels as though someone else is holding me...like my mother, from somewhere, is holding me and comforting me as I awake to the bitterly silent home.
Although I feel I want to write everything I'm thinking out now....I will withhold some, and will be continuing this walk with grief once again. If you are reading this, and have memories of my mother, I would love to hear them. Please write.
What more can I say when my mother, my beloved mother who was and is my world, has disappeared before my eyes? My heart beats to a song that no longer plays. In almost every memory I recalled this weekend, her influence or presence was in each one....and I did not want to share those memories...I almost wished that I had memories that were apart from her...and yet there are none. We did everything together, and if we were not together we shared everything with each other. This constant communication will be the hardest to get used to. Unexplainably, the last few mornings, as I awake from an unrestful rest, my arms are wrapped tight around my soul, and it feels as though someone else is holding me...like my mother, from somewhere, is holding me and comforting me as I awake to the bitterly silent home.
Although I feel I want to write everything I'm thinking out now....I will withhold some, and will be continuing this walk with grief once again. If you are reading this, and have memories of my mother, I would love to hear them. Please write.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Moving Mountains
Once in a while, you'll get a glimpse of something spectacular....of something new & unrealized, something fresh & intriguing. Sometimes those glimpses will come from the most unlikely places.
I watched this little girl with her father in the park. They were lying there, looking at the city, through the trees...she laid there in the grass quickly switching her hand to cover one eye, then the next, then the first eye again. She laughed with delight at she told her father "I can make the whole city move! It looks like the buildings are dancing!" Back & forth she would look once more as the city was moved from the east to the west and back again. Her dad looked over to her and simply replied "It all has to do with perspective."
And at that moment I thought about the passage that says "...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20) I thought about how faith has to do a lot with your perspective.....your perspective of God and of how much you can trust him. It has to do with what you think God can do. Even how you think God can work through a seemingly difficult situation. Do we really trust that God will use us no matter where we go? Do we really think He could bring good out of war? Do I really believe God will use Leukemia to touch people? It all has to do with perspective.
It's not physically moving a mountain from here to there, it's seeing the mountain the way God might see it. As an opportunity to overcome, rather than an obstacle that can defeat you. A mountain for us might be a hard work environment, or an impossible dream, or an un-lovable neighbor. We are all capable of moving mountains, simply by having a perspective other than our own....a perspective rather, that comes from Christ. We can see the un-lovable neighbor as a hurting soul that could really use a glimpse of kindness. We can see that our impossible dream is no longer impossible if we start from another angle. We can see that a hard work environment can be an opportunity to show a heavenly amount of patience & grace.
Makes sense to me that we are moving mountains every day....if only we have faith to see through God's perspective...from east to west, here to there, from mind to heart...it's possible.
I watched this little girl with her father in the park. They were lying there, looking at the city, through the trees...she laid there in the grass quickly switching her hand to cover one eye, then the next, then the first eye again. She laughed with delight at she told her father "I can make the whole city move! It looks like the buildings are dancing!" Back & forth she would look once more as the city was moved from the east to the west and back again. Her dad looked over to her and simply replied "It all has to do with perspective."
And at that moment I thought about the passage that says "...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20) I thought about how faith has to do a lot with your perspective.....your perspective of God and of how much you can trust him. It has to do with what you think God can do. Even how you think God can work through a seemingly difficult situation. Do we really trust that God will use us no matter where we go? Do we really think He could bring good out of war? Do I really believe God will use Leukemia to touch people? It all has to do with perspective.
It's not physically moving a mountain from here to there, it's seeing the mountain the way God might see it. As an opportunity to overcome, rather than an obstacle that can defeat you. A mountain for us might be a hard work environment, or an impossible dream, or an un-lovable neighbor. We are all capable of moving mountains, simply by having a perspective other than our own....a perspective rather, that comes from Christ. We can see the un-lovable neighbor as a hurting soul that could really use a glimpse of kindness. We can see that our impossible dream is no longer impossible if we start from another angle. We can see that a hard work environment can be an opportunity to show a heavenly amount of patience & grace.
Makes sense to me that we are moving mountains every day....if only we have faith to see through God's perspective...from east to west, here to there, from mind to heart...it's possible.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Going back forward
Last night, talking with a friend, made me think about some things....about "being". There also was a group of people yesterday, who I shared with about my struggle with this whole concept of just "being"....of being still, of listening, of taking time to slow down, etc. A very good friend of mine has asked me to take some time to slow down, with writing letters.....I started, but still haven't gotten a whole one out (It's coming you).
Anyway, what I found funny yesterday is that in thinking about "being" I took time to look through some of my old blog posts. It dumbfounded me because what is happening today, is totally different from two years ago, yet some of my thoughts & reactions are completely identical. I read one post, and thought....this could have been a narrative of me today, crazy! Totally different situation, and yet same response. Makes me wonder how much I'm growing....or how much this is just me, and going to stay me. Is there something more I need to learn in this area, or rather will I EVER learn?
I don't know. But I do know this.....whoever is reading this, you know me (or at least most of you do)....so if you see things that you question, I'm opening myself up to your questioning of me. Seek me out & ask about it if you see something that brings up a flag in your mind....caution me, question me, whatever you feel you need to do. I'm okay with that. It's helping me to grow.
Anyway, what I found funny yesterday is that in thinking about "being" I took time to look through some of my old blog posts. It dumbfounded me because what is happening today, is totally different from two years ago, yet some of my thoughts & reactions are completely identical. I read one post, and thought....this could have been a narrative of me today, crazy! Totally different situation, and yet same response. Makes me wonder how much I'm growing....or how much this is just me, and going to stay me. Is there something more I need to learn in this area, or rather will I EVER learn?
I don't know. But I do know this.....whoever is reading this, you know me (or at least most of you do)....so if you see things that you question, I'm opening myself up to your questioning of me. Seek me out & ask about it if you see something that brings up a flag in your mind....caution me, question me, whatever you feel you need to do. I'm okay with that. It's helping me to grow.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Miracle Worker
The sky today seems teary eyed...welling up with tears that may never come. My tears are the same some days....they are there, but do not break free from the comfort within my eyes. Tears can be hot with anger, cold with grief, salty with sadness, or refreshing with joy. ....and the ones that come today are the kind that fill emptiness with gratefulness.
Last week, there was fear....this week God came near. My mom was in the hospital, waiting for another result to come back...and was expecting the now normal response of "it didn't work....we'll try again." Needless to say this is a frustrating & often crushing blow that sets my whole family back into questioning what will be next. The doctors were not pleased, and told my mom this. Why, I don't know...but they were predicting, and wanted to prepare her for what was inevitable. Anyway, the doctor came into the room last Monday (the morning after 40 of us had prayed & cried out to God for her healing), and said "This is unexplainable....but your blast numbers are down to 3%....this shouldn't have happened according to your last results.....I don't understand it. We'll be sending it back to Mayo to double check." We all felt that we had witnessed a miracle....3% blasts means she's technically in remission! And after the double-check, the numbers were proved correct. What a praise! The prayer now, is that the 3% blasts stays there, and her white blood count will climb to normal levels....join us in this prayer, please!
The week before, there was also an unexplainable incident. Because of the seemingly constant hospital stays that my mom has endured, my dad has also had to endure phone calls from hospitals & such, to pay the overwhelming six-digit bills that keep coming. His responsibility had added up to about $47,000. He also had received another phone message, telling him to call the hospital about that bill, right away. Well, he started to pray & cry out to God. There is no way that our family will be able to pay this amount, and we need help to make this happen. It's enough to worry about your mother/wife in the hospital, without having to wonder where the money will come from to keep her in good health. So after an evening of sleeping & praying through his concern, he somewhat hesitatingly called the hospital. When the man answered the phone & confirmed the amount owed, the man then simply stated "Okay, we just took care of that."
Yep. All $47,000.....done, paid for, wiped off the tab.
All I can say, is that God is definitely a miracle worker. I've seen it this week, and I've seen it all through my life. The miracles don't come every time we want them, or when we would expect them....they come in His good timing, in his pleasure, to give us pleasure, and to show us His power & glory. He is Good. Very good. Just thought I'd share.
Last week, there was fear....this week God came near. My mom was in the hospital, waiting for another result to come back...and was expecting the now normal response of "it didn't work....we'll try again." Needless to say this is a frustrating & often crushing blow that sets my whole family back into questioning what will be next. The doctors were not pleased, and told my mom this. Why, I don't know...but they were predicting, and wanted to prepare her for what was inevitable. Anyway, the doctor came into the room last Monday (the morning after 40 of us had prayed & cried out to God for her healing), and said "This is unexplainable....but your blast numbers are down to 3%....this shouldn't have happened according to your last results.....I don't understand it. We'll be sending it back to Mayo to double check." We all felt that we had witnessed a miracle....3% blasts means she's technically in remission! And after the double-check, the numbers were proved correct. What a praise! The prayer now, is that the 3% blasts stays there, and her white blood count will climb to normal levels....join us in this prayer, please!
The week before, there was also an unexplainable incident. Because of the seemingly constant hospital stays that my mom has endured, my dad has also had to endure phone calls from hospitals & such, to pay the overwhelming six-digit bills that keep coming. His responsibility had added up to about $47,000. He also had received another phone message, telling him to call the hospital about that bill, right away. Well, he started to pray & cry out to God. There is no way that our family will be able to pay this amount, and we need help to make this happen. It's enough to worry about your mother/wife in the hospital, without having to wonder where the money will come from to keep her in good health. So after an evening of sleeping & praying through his concern, he somewhat hesitatingly called the hospital. When the man answered the phone & confirmed the amount owed, the man then simply stated "Okay, we just took care of that."
Yep. All $47,000.....done, paid for, wiped off the tab.
All I can say, is that God is definitely a miracle worker. I've seen it this week, and I've seen it all through my life. The miracles don't come every time we want them, or when we would expect them....they come in His good timing, in his pleasure, to give us pleasure, and to show us His power & glory. He is Good. Very good. Just thought I'd share.
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