The Trouble with Insignificance

Some days I just feel so insignificant. Like the people who I thought truly cared about me, really don't and that on the scale of priorities for them, I'm definitely not close to the top. We will make plans, and then when they cancel due to a "miscommunication" the phrases "well, I really want to see this person...." are followed up by phrases like "but really, let's just do whatever you want...". The messages seem mixed...not seem, but ARE mixed. So you want to see me, and I can decide when and where we see each other, but really, you would rather see this other person at the time when I wanted to see you. Nice.

Here's the problem.

As I have been pondering this dilemma, and the surge of hurt feelings that tide over my heart, Jesus says, don't you say the same to me? How often do we hear God say, "I want to spend time with you, save me a bit today..." and we respond with "but this is the only chance I'll have to do...." or "there'll be time again later, right?" And what if there isn't? With as much hurt and disappointment that I feel when people say things like this to me, how much more would Jesus when we say that to Him?

I just want to scream at these responses, and say...."don't I matter at all to you?" or "is that how I rate?" or "okay well, I see where I stand"....and how does that relate with my relationship with God? If I truly mean "I'll do whatever you want," do I really mean that? Or am I just saying that to be nice; all the while knowing that I'm going to do what I darn well please the second I turn around?

This confounds me.  Knowing I'm guilty of doing this to God is as frustrating as having it done to me, but worse because now I have no ground to really be upset with the person saying it to my face. :/

What to do, what to do....

Lord, I apologize for responding to you in ways that would make you seem insignificant. There is no excuse. You want my time and my life, and I've given it to you, but some days I act hesitant and selfish. I'm sorry. You are significant and important to me, and You see significance in me too. Help me to remember that when I'm feeling beat up or unimportant. Help me to remember your forgiveness when I don't want to forgive others. Give me strength to listen to You and respond when you call to me. Thank you once again. Your daughter--A.

30 Things I Learned in my 20's

As I pass from one decade to the next, I thought I’d write a few things down, so here are just a few things that I’ve learned in my 20s. Some are just fun, some are some deep truths that have shaped who I am or will be in my next 10 years. These are in no particular order. Enjoy.

1. Learn a good accent....and use it sporadically. 
2. Give generously...of yourself, your time & your money.
3. Take time to breathe or you’ll suffocate yourself on “things” that might not matter.
4. Take lots of pictures. 
5. Learn how to clean a cast-iron skillet the “right” way.
6. Sometimes you make plans and keep them for over 10 years, and then change them....and that’s okay.
7. Only get a tattoo if it’s something you have really thought through, and that won’t change meaning to you when you’re old.
8. If you can, eat good food.
9. When deciding between a TV or a kayak, always choose a kayak.
10. People shouldn’t get married for the wrong reasons or just on a whim.
11. Be ready to give your life for someone else, even if you could save yourself by letting them go.
12. Don’t be ashamed to dress up and act silly.
13. Believe that God can heal you...and trust Him when He doesn’t.
14. You don’t know everything.
15. Don’t be afraid to go to a movie by yourself. You won’t literally die.
16. It’s okay to let someone else plan things & be in control.
17. Starting a business is hard, but worth it.
18. You should only do a “once in a lifetime” thing once (Times Square for New Years Eve)
19. Go to as many foreign countries as possible.
20. When in doubt: wear pearls.
21. Become friends with at least a few people that don’t fit your “friend mold”.
22. Grief is hard. Denial is worse.
23. Forgiveness is worth it.
24. Don’t be too prideful to not listen when friends tell you the truth.
25. Be the friend that tells the truth.
26. Instead of having expectations & being disappointed when they’re not met, make it a point to tell people your expectations and give them a chance to meet them.
27. Do not let your life be shrouded with fear. It’s much better to take a chance.
28. Love must be sincere.
29. Work harder than you thought you could, but rest in knowing your work means nothing when it comes to salvation.
30. There is always something to learn, always beauty to discover, always somewhere to explore, so stay watchful and alert.

Tell them...

There is something about living life, about getting older, that makes the urgency or your words more important and the noticings of the good in those around you more meaningful.

I don't know what it is, but lately I've been seeing things about people and not being able to help myself tell them. The lady on the plane with the kindest eyes. The store clerk that has a great name. Making eye contact to say thank you and be sure the person understands how much you really appreciate them. Helping up a fallen child on the ice and telling the Mom what a nice son she has.

It seems like an old woman thing to do. Oh this. Oh that. A slight nod and a glint of a smile. Hands folded and away. It might not be much. It might not be loud. It might not be anything really...to you. But to the person to whom you speak, it might be just the thing that brightens their day, that reminds them they are seen...actually seen, it might be just the thing they have been asking God about and you, in the noticing, are sharing His answer with them.

In one week, I think I was told by three or four random strangers that I had a glow about me, that I had bright eyes, that there was some kind of joy they saw just as they walked through a coffee shop door and wanted to tell me they saw it. Who does that?! Well they did and now I want to too! Don't you? Wouldn't you want to be someone's blessing? Someone's reminder of Gods love over them? Wouldn't you want to be the person that recognizes in someone else what you hope others would recognize about you?

Maybe first we should start opening our eyes to see it in other people, and stop being afraid to tell them! Tell the lady she has beautiful eyes. Tell the bus driver he is very patient. Tell the clerk that she was generous and helpful. Tell them. He, our Lord and Savior tells you every day how much He loves you, so why don't we tell them? Let's start. Let's try.

Gotcha Day!

Today we celebrate that 21 years ago my brother Tyler came to be with my family!  It was a long and hard road, but God was amazingly faithful. So glad to have you as my brother, Tyler!!! Te iubesc.

If you haven't read the story about God's plan for our family coming together across the world, check out the book that my Mom wrote below.  I also have a few copies if you'd like to borrow one!

Unseen Roads

A few months ago, I had the privilege of traveling to New England with a good friend to simply explore and look for little wonders in a new part of the country.  That we did. Explored & appreciated little wonders.  A few times though we were unsure of the circumstances around us.  Such a time happened to be on a night driving home from an outdoor movie in Vermont.

We were driving back and it was pitch black. Not almost pitch black, but SO black that we could only see about 10-15 feet in front of our car. We were driving slow but were in the middle of nowhere, so driving fast enough to ensure that no creepy mountain dwellers could latch themselves onto our car.  When we had driven farther than we thought we should, considering that we had potentially missed our turn, we decided to turn around.  

As we turned right, into the first road that was available to turn on, our lights shown straight into a cavern pass, which we could not see through. We both wide-eyed and thoroughly freaked out immediately decided to turn around QUICK so we could get out of there!!!  As we backed up and our lights hit a road sign on that corner, to our dismay found that that WAS the road we needed. It was our road. The one to take us home. (which at the time, we thought would literally take us home.....to our death!) We sat for a second, looking at the sign, confirming that we would have to drive through that black cavernous road, even without being able to see where it was going.

Currently, I'm reading a book on the life of Abraham.  The main subject is how the faith that he had brought him into such a close relationship with God that he was later referred to as "the friend of God." (James 2:23)  This is pretty impressive, considering there is no one like God, not even close! But to be considered the friend of God is pretty significant.  Now some may say yes, but Abraham was not always faithful, he did his own will many times, but don't we all? Aren't there situations in all of our lives where we selfishly choose our own path only to realize that we were wrong and yet God still loves us and was waiting for us to turn around?  

Abraham found himself in a very bad situation, where there were five kings on one side of a great battle and four kings on the other side.  The side that was defeated, took his nephew Lot and his whole family captive.  It was at this point, that God reminded Abram of His promise to him. So Abram took 318 trained men in his service, and went out to get his family back.  Those men, led by God himself, defeated the enemies and returned the conquered kingdoms to their homes, and brought the families back to peace.  When the kings wanted to reward Abram with riches for their freedom, Abram refused because he did not want any man to have the glory that only God deserved. He didn't want any king to be able to claim that it was him that made Abram rich or great. No, Abram only wanted God to have the glory.  This is a faithful servant. Following God into the dismal future, unknowing in fearful circumstances how God would provide, but only that He WOULD.  

Going back to that moment on the road, I remember slight fear,....okay let's be honest there was more than slight fear....as we drove into the pitch black darkness.  The road was winding, terribly steep and narrow with boulders and a lurking thick forrest.  What kept us going though, was that we knew without a doubt, that this particular road was the one to take us to our home, a safe place, somewhere we could rest and relax.  But in the meantime, it almost didn't seem worth the drive. I'd rather have just gone back into town and slept in my car than to drive that road. But we knew, we knew, we knew that if we just kept going, letting those 15 feet of lit road guide us, we would eventually make it to our destination.

This seems a lot like what God calls us to each and every day. There are circumstances where we can't see the future, we have no idea what lays ahead. All we know, is that God has called us into something and we really can't back away from it. We need to just face it and try it and trust in faith that the God who has called us to it will fulfill His promise to see it through.  In John 17, Jesus said "I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one...." He isn't saying we will be separated from all scary things or tough situations or dark roads, what He is saying is that He desires us to be protected against the evil one. For us to fully rely on HIM during those times and He will deliver us, just as he did Abram, just as he did Noah, just as he did Moses, just as he did Gideon, and so on and so on.  He WILL!

Conviction through Prayer

Last night I was convicted of something.

After a full night of prayer, praying about unity, repentance, evangelism and revival, I had someone surprise me with their presence.  I was so joyed to see them, and something too hit me hard.  See, there's been a lot of undercover turbulence amongst us and people we have in common.  Unspoken strife.  Hidden hurts. Painstakingly pent up pain.

When I saw this person, there was joy and sadness, a pressure of unforgiving that swelled in my temple. Not even towards that person, but towards the situation yet somehow, unknowingly I knew then at that moment that I had built up some kind of impenetrable wall in which the pain I feel towards this situation clouded my view of the innocent in sight.

It's unfair to them.
It's unhealthy for me.
It's unpleasing to the Lord.

So my prayer this morning, is Lord, help me to forgive. Help me to let it go. Help me to glorify You by my life. I'm asking You Lord, to please take away the hurt, the anger I hold onto. Show me how to pray.  Lord, teach me Your Word so that I can see revival and unity in my own heart and in my own family.

Three Years ago

Well thanks to Tenth Ave North for assuring me that my tear ducts do in fact work fine. I was beginning to worry.  Tonight I found myself sitting alone in the stands hearing the words of the song “Worn” and just breaking inside. Three years ago, was the last time that my Mom breathed breath from this world.  Three years ago, my Mom met Jesus. And three years ago on Good Friday we said good bye.  I suspect that these memories might not be the worst that I’ll ever go through on this earth, but in my limited memory, it is by far the worst few days that I’ve had to go through.  One cannot imagine the despair we all felt when they told us my mom had a month left....or the devastation when that “month” turned out to only be five days....almost five days.  

The last real conversation I had with my Mom, she just just held me, and held me and held me. I wept. That was our conversation. We both watched out the window. I was laying beside her in the hospital bed, having just heard the last prognosis we would receive. We really didn’t talk much, just said how much we loved each other. I held her hand tight. I loved holding her hand. Even as an adult, driving to go get coffee, sometimes I would just reach over and grab her hand, squeeze it three times to tell her “I love you” and she’d smile and squeeze back once which meant “I love you too.” 

This was my Mom. Simple and sincere. A lady of love. Always composed & confident. I never feared for anything when my Mom was there. She was a believer...in God and in family. She had a discerning heart. Compelled by grace she lived her life with open arms and seeking eyes, finding those people who needed a mom, sister, friend, or mentor. She prayed...fervently. She laughed...all the time. She explored...like there was nothing to fear. She lived...thankful for every moment & opportunity. She was more than I could have asked for in a Mom. She was satin & steel. 

I miss her. So much. Somedays I wonder why God had to take her...she was SO wonderful, giving, gracious and loyal....why her? Why do we have to suffer the loss of such a dynamic person? How come her healing couldn’t happen here on earth but instead was brought about in Heaven? No one will have these answers, I don’t expect anyone to have them. But one answer I do have....is that even in these darkest places, even when I’m so worn that I don’t think I can make it another moment, even when I feel like my prayer wasn’t heard, I’m reminded that God is faithful....faithful to hear my cry, faithful to hold my weakness, faithful to guide me through teary blurred eyes, faithful to calm my tumultuous insides, faithful to speak peace over my racing mind, faithful to restore the brokenness, faithful to bring redemption.

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2 

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed....” Isaiah 54:10

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Thank you for standing with me & my family through the last three years. It continues to be a daily struggle.....please keep holding us up in prayer. The Lord knows we don't miss her any less today than three years ago. On one of her last nights home with us, we read the book "Love You Forever," and from there I'll leave this message, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, my Mommy you'll be."