A little shift.

I think something has changed. Temporarily? It's possible. But changed? Definitely.  A friend asked me very cautiously, if since my mother's death I looked at dying differently. To that I had an emphatic response of "yes...I'm not afraid of it at all." I realize that as a believer, there's no reason to fear death, but sometimes it's not death you fear, but the unknown that surrounds it.  The unanswerable questions that after the fact won't matter anyway.

I remember that when my friend Julie passed away, I was soon after on a trip to Mexico.  There we visited Copper Canyon in Chihuahua.  There was one cliff that we saw, that had a large rock at the very tip.  My friends discovered that the rock--rocked. You could stand on the rock & it would sway on the tip of the cliff.  I wanted a picture out there, but decided I wasn't brave enough to stand on the edge, so I stayed on the "sturdy" rock in front.  Immediately after they took my picture though, I changed my mind & decided I couldn't be that close & not stand at the edge. I quickly turned around, walked right out onto the rock & posed for a picture. Yes, I was probably about 200+ feet above the bottom of the canyon, with not much below me...not ANYTHING below me...but I realized that death didn't frighten me. Why not live life & be a little daring?

This is not nearly as near to the story I just told, but last night as I drove away from my home, I spied a beautiful antique settee on the curb. I wondered, pondered & decided to drive on. Then I had a little twinge...why not turn around & see.  I turned a right and went around the block, pulled up in front of a quaint little house, walked up to the door & knocked. After a few minutes of curious knocking, a girl my age welcomed me with a big smile. I asked about the couch & she vibrantly answered "You like it? It's yours. Think it'll fit in your car?" Huh. See how easy that I was I thought? What did that hurt to ask?

That part of me ...that is sometimes timid & nervous, is changing. I'm growing bolder, braver....little by little. It's a good change, a welcomed change. I'm finding joy in this, and can't wait to see what else awaits!

Wait & Trust

Our faith has to be in the Lord, not in a desired outcome.

This can sometimes be a hard one for me to comprehend. Our faith has to be in the LORD, not in a desired OUTCOME.  Our faith cannot be in the thing we desire to gain, do or receive...our faith must be in the Lord himself: the Giver, the Teacher, the Ruler of our life.

I'm reading this book called "Sacred Waiting"....read it. In the second chapter, it talks about Abraham, and how throughout Abraham's story, he was spoken to by God.  God spoke directly to Abraham, and told him to leave his home, that his barren wife would have a child, that he would be the father of many nations & then one day God told Abraham that he would have to sacrifice the promised son.  These are all difficult things to comprehend. How do you know when it's the right time to leave home?  How long do you wait for a child?  How can you give up the dream you've held onto for years?  None of these things are easy, and none of these things should be done without God directing you. And if your faith is in the object of these questions....faith in your home, faith in your fertility, faith in a dream....then I believe our faith is misplaced.

When you drive a car, or wear a watch.  You trust that that machine will work.  Ultimately, you trust in the manufacturer of that machine. You trust that all the pieces were put together just right, even though you don't understand how valves, cranks, levers or batteries work together, you understand that the manufacturer & designer knows, and that according to them, if you turn on the watch, or drive the car, it should work.  Your faith is in the creator, not really the car itself.  In the same way....like Abraham, who left his home without knowing where God was calling him, but just left in faith that God would direct, we should allow our faith to only focus on God & to watch for His direction.  To jump into the water & keep our eyes on Him....not sitting around waiting for Him to move, but moving & allowing him to direct our movements.   

We may not know where God is leading us, but we still should follow.  We may believe that He is guiding us one way, but He may direct us somewhere different. Yet if in the change of direction we are following Christ, then how will we go astray?

Another test...

I don't know what to do.

Tonight was another test. Just how much will I be given to hold? The rain keeps pouring over the tear streaked face, too wet to remember what it feels like without tears.  The winds feel cold across my face, but I long for them, to feel something….anything.  How much Lord, must I suffer… how many deaths must I endure?  So many lives, full of hope, of courage, of grace & strength, suddenly taken away.  I realize that they live…in a time that I do not understand, hidden beyond my sight behind your great hands.  I understand this, and I yearn to join them.  I yearn to not be separated anymore from the people who have gone before me.  I hurt so much and ache for them. 

I sit here, and what I want, I cannot have. What I don't want, I have right now.  The things that made me happy have come and gone. And the things that supposedly will make me happy again, I cannot see through the cloudy eyes of tears. There is a restless spirit within my ambiguous desires and sedentary day. What to do with myself, my life...my pain, and everything that is wrapped up within the three, forming a cord that seems to cut off life to my heart.

When oh Lord, will you come?  When will you join with us again, joining us and the ones we love? 

This last death, though a relationship not as prominent as my mother, has hit me low….it is so soon after my mother’s death,  that I feel completely empty, void of anything, yet terribly in pain.  There is too much sadness Lord, too much grief. What is your purpose, and why to us? Where will the pain end, and to what extent must it reach?  I know there are no limits of your love, and you have limited death…for you will not be overcome by it.  Yet how come I cannot always see the limits of death, or feel the limitless reach of your grasp?  You need to touch me, to hold me, to comfort me, for I cannot live without your peace. Your grace is more than sufficient to hold the terrors that haunt me each day, but meet me now Lord, do not delay.  For my heart wanes for you & aches with tremors.

The face behind the falls

Many drum beats ago, when the East was still the West, the sky still one with the sea, love abounded.  A man of sorts & a woman of sorts lived together in love, passion & peace.  They dreamt together, about the worlds they could form, the colors & the textures, the depths & the heights. The two, better described as one, knew no time. They felt no presence except that of infinite love.  

At once, which still was never, since there was no now....they, together as one came to a singular mind to fulfill their dreams of a land, a place where they could be...not the being that they currently or never or always knew, but a place that would contain them. A land that would be an icon of the beauty between them, the colors to describe their love, the texture to describe their emotion.  The man of sorts & woman of sorts dreamed together to make a living substance that would please the other in themselves.

Secretly while unhidden they together formed themselves into something that the other could enjoy.  The man of sorts changed to a winding thing, something that moved freely over the foundation they formed.  He was invisible, but his presence could be felt by the other.  The woman of sorts revealed herself as a form that rocked, swelled & crashed. The two lived abundantly, finding delight in each other, together, as a wind and wave.  

Because they had separated the oneness of the two, time was created. It lay as a reminder of times past...drum beats in the distance. When they felt enough days had gone by and they desired to join together again as one, the time joked with them and promised that tomorrow it would allow the joining to resume.  As time has told, it is a liar and cheat...never telling the truth, stealing some hours away and giving length to unwanted hours.  Tomorrow turned into yesterday, and someday turning its face to one day never coming.  

The wave of sorts pushed on the foundation, trying to raise herself into the sky, but it only made her fall into pools, raising other parts of the foundation into the heights of peaks.  She waved to the tips, but still was unable to reach the air.  The wind of sorts grabbed at the wave, trying to lift her into the heavens, but it was to no avail. He blew himself round, but it only stirred the waters & did nothing to the foundation.  

The water and the wave saw that they had dreamed to love each other differently but never saw that the love they held before had been perfect.  The waters found a secret place on the foundation, one unfound by time. There she pressed her face into the foundation & wept. She wept and wept so much that she filled the foundation with the sea.  The wind met her there, and vowed to forever wipe her tears with his breath. Together they stay, her crying for her love & he caressing her cheek with his unending love.

To this day, you can see her face, behind the waterfall....

Something beautiful

On the last day in Kauai, we took our little car and drove a long, winding and "hole-y" road to the summit.  While the length of the road was only about twenty miles, it took nearly an hour to reach the destination.  As we neared the end, mist filled our windows & clouded the glass.  We took a short detour to a lookout further inland, which was suggested as a better view than the summit.  Pulling into a small lot there were only a few other cars, mostly other hikers because we were the only people at the spot. 

We walked to the edge of the overlook, to the fence that was the only thing that held us from the depths of a mile-high canyon drop.  It didn't take until the fence to see the view before us....it captured us as soon as we stepped foot out of the car.  There was a complete covering of fog.  Past the fence was nothing but white. And as the sky was so bright, the air before us and above us melded into one perfectly spotless canvas.  We sat on a table, submitting ourselves to the fact that we would see nothing of the canyon from there.  This canyon we had seen from the air & from the sea, the canyon green with life, vivid with color, proud with height, this canyon we knew was merely feet from where we stood, was hidden fully from our view.

Sitting still on the table, for a few moments neither of us spoke, nor did any cars approach the lot or hikers exclaim.  The only sounds that could be heard were birds echoing their praises & distant calls of the ocean shore, clapping with delight against the cliff walls.  We sat there silent, feeling as though we were just out of reach of heaven....a perfect place of light, just beyond sight.

As I recalled this moment to a friend, she made a comparison to this "non-sight" to that of the lives Christ has for us....how we can be right on the edge of something beautiful, spectacular & breathtaking....and yet sometimes He hides it from us. It's not the right time for us to see what is there, what is coming next, what colors he's using, what form he's making, or where he'll bring us into. The beauty that he is forming is there...it's within reach, yet until He blows the clouds away, we cannot see. We can have faith in His will for our future, and that our future is with Him...yet faith is what it takes to grasp that there IS something beyond the fog, behind the clouds, lying still & silent in his hands.  It is waiting to be revealed, but until then, we are to sit, silently and in awe of the beauty of where we are...take in the smell of the flowers, the sounds of the birds & waves, the feel of the wind on our faces, the warmth of the sun beating down through the thickness of clouds. Rest & relax in the quiet knowing that while it is unseen, we know that something beautiful is before us.

Heights

Just some thoughts as I prepare to head out...."As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God." (Psalm 42:1)....through my searching, I ask..."Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child." (Jeremiah 1:6)...today, this is how I'm feeling.  Where will the Lord meet me on this trip, where will he be silent & teach me to wait? I feel & know that I have so much to learn, and each day offers plenty of opportunity.....yet I am only a child, I do not always know where to seek, or where to find.

I find promise in Psalms 18:33 where it says "He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights." Heights can be conquered by hard work. I've never known anyone (except one of the native Everest peoples) to be able to climb a mountain easily.  It takes steadfastness, determination, skill & vulnerability. But here, David talks about God as the giver of feet like a deer, easily able to climb & reach the heights from the depths.

This next week, hiking up mountains, kayaking through rivers, I will try to remember this....that though the rains pour, the storms come, there are heights to be reached again, and God is the one who gives us the ability to reach them.

Let's journey together, to see what heights are set before us!

Deserving?

In a conversation this week, talking about the horrible happenings weaved throughout this persons life, the question was posed "what did I do to deserve this life?"  The thought was chilling, and unsettling. I don't know that we really deserve any of it....any of the good or any of the bad.  For what really could we do to deserve anything good in this life, and what could we do that would warrant such hard events? I know that if we really get spiritual here, there are probably very legitimate answers for these questions.....sin in the world causes us bad things in our life...or doing good for others often will allow us to reap plentiful benefits.
But in the simplicity of this question, ....I remembered a story in my past.  I once had a wonderful band teacher. He always chose great music & taught us well.  One particular choice of song, had a particularly difficult timpani piece.  This he chose to give to me. The other parts he let the other percussionists choose for themselves, but for the timpani, he chose me to play.  Just looking at the piece someone would understand this was not going to be easy.  It had multiple tone changes, varying degrees of intensity within short measures, odd rhythms, parts where I was the only player amidst the entire band, & so on.  I questioned his choice, pleading that I was not able to do this piece and that he should choose someone more capable.  He insisted, and would hear none of my protest.

So I practiced, and I practiced, and I practiced, I screwed up & I practiced some more. Finally I was OK with the piece....just OK. And when it came to the concert, I stood & played...I was not perfect, but I was alright. I did better than I thought I would, that's for sure.  Later, I asked my instructor once more....why did you choose to give me such a difficult piece? Surely someone else could have done it better. To this he replied, "I knew you would have to work at it, but I wanted to see you try..." (this next part is what really got me) "...I chose it for you not because you were the best, but because I wanted you to see what you were capable of."

In many ways, I see this situation as something similar if I now asked God why I deserved this life & the situations that fall into my way....He allows them to come not because I've done something to deserve them necessarily, but because he wants me to understand what I'm capable of overcoming when I trust Him.