Frustrations & Faith

I can't speak, so I will let the thoughts in my head come out through the only truth I can grasp at this point. "Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling! I would state my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments. I would find out what he would answer me, and consider what he would say."--Job 23 (excerpts)I'm doing this today....feeling like "God, what is going on here?" You know me, and you know I'm a fixer, a thinker, an analyzing maniac .....what am I supposed to be learning through this? There is hope, I know that...I don't feel it right now, but I know there is....but where? What am I supposed to think, feel, grasp, say, etc.? "Lord, you have searched me and you know me....you perceive my thoughts from afar....you hem me in--behind and before; Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."--Psalm 139:1-10 (excerpts) This gives me hope in knowing that no matter how frustrating or far I feel that I've gone, how deep my despair, He is still with me.....if I don't have words or emotions to express the way I feel or the things I'm thinking, He knows them & it's okay. When I don't even comprehend the thoughts & feelings flooding my eyes, He sees clearer than I ever will & understands."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." --Romans 12:21Remembering the goodness of Christ, the grace He has given, gives me hope for tomorrow and peace for today. Despite the storms that rage against me, He alone is my rock & my salvation. With Him, what can come against me? Though I may stumble & fall, He will lift me up with his righteous right hand & guide me in the paths of righteousness. He will provide for me & comfort me. Say what you need to say

Just a Little Thing

Just thought I'd share today. This weekend, I went & visited a friend. I was all alone when I got there. It was peaceful, the breeze was slightly blowing & the smell of the sun drifted around me. As I sat down on the grass beside her, I started to cry. Not harsh tears, but silent & slow raindrops from within my soul. You see, my friend wasn't really there....just the shell, but I had a conversation despite the fact I was physically alone. It was one of the best conversations I had...and I joked that I probably spoke more in that conversation than I ever had with her! ;-) It's just a little thing, but sometimes voicing things out loud, saying what you need to say and doing it in the stillness of the setting afternoon, can cause you to release some of your loneliness, some of your grief. It's not like I'll hear a response, it's not like I'll get any opinions or feedback, but just saying stuff really felt good. I wish I could have this freedom with all of my friends, when they're still alive.

The Craziest Thing

It's a funny thing when people or situations around you just happen to turn out funny. It's nothing you can plan on or hope for....but somewhere deep down you always do! You can't plan on those things like choking on falafel cause you're laughing so hard and at that exact moment a Jewish midget happens to walk past your window! Or like when you're playing a game of Mexican Train with your grandpa who just had a stroke & as he's moving the train forward he says "tweet tweet"! These moments are priceless....funny, hysterical and worth so much in memories. Then there are those moments where you're laughing at this lady dancing her heart out to some crazy music and realize that she doesn't have a care in the world right now and you would LOVE to be in her shoes. Or moments when people you've never met come to you with a message they believe is from God...and they speak into what you'd been praying about all day but hadn't told a soul! But the craziest thing, is that tonight, after a day of secluding myself in silence (pretty much), I went home to watch the Bucket List. As I cried through the end of "The Bucket List," all I wanted was some water & maybe something sweet. SO I went to my kitchen, got a big glass of water & reached into my "stash" to get a piece of Dove chocolate. As is my custom, I always fully unwrap the chocolate before looking at the phrase beneath. And what was the message I found? "Make a list of your dreams." I laughed, I stared and then cried because somewhere deep inside I just needed to hear someone, something, anything encouraging at that moment. I just wanted to know someone was there & there He was....providing a little comfort & humor in the moment I needed it. A little reminder that God is in every moment of our lives....directing & navigating our path to His good will...and through His good sense of humor!

Be Still

Getting on with life is hard to do if you keep yourself busy. This is something I am very good at...keeping busy. Sometimes it is an effect of too much caffeine. Sometimes it is the effect of being a perfectionist. Sometimes it is an effect of too much grief.

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10)

But I can’t be still, I keep moving, keep turning, keep looking, keep mourning, keep doing WHATEVER it is that puts itself in front of me to do, so that I don’t have to look to my right or left & watch my life unfold before my eyes.

But I don’t want to be still, I don’t want to sit down, stop talking, quit moving, leave my work unfinished so that I can take time to ponder what is happening around me.

I am afraid to be still, to quiet myself before His feet & weep uncontrollably for the anguish I feel. It scares me to become vulnerable and open, letting my true heart unravel in His hands so that He can restore it in a new way, a whole way, a complete way, that is mended by Him alone. Brokenness is not something I desire, not something I always strive for, but something my heart is aching for.

Can I be still & know that He is God? Listen to the words of a precious hymn that has given me perspective in other difficult times. Maybe it will touch you also.


Speak Lord in the stillness, While I wait on Thee;
Hushed my heart to listen In expectancy.

Speak, O blessed Master, In this quiet hour;
Let me see Thy face, Lord, Feel Thy touch of power.

For the words Thou speakest, "They are life, indeed;
Living bread from heaven, Now my spirit feed."

All to Thee is yielded, I am not my own;
Blissful, glad surrender- I am Thine alone.

Stand Forever

As I'm working today, the flowers on my desk are all withering away....when I brought back an empty vase, my friend said "Don't you wish they would last forever?" Then the verse from Isaiah came to me: "The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." (Isaiah 40:8)

In life, there are things that leave us... beauty, wealth, strength, & power. God's word survives through it all. Flowers will die off, food will rot, clothes will wear, but God's word survives through it all. Tragedies happen, relationships fail, warriors are defeated, but God's word survives through it all.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10) God's word will sustain us, guide us, redeem us and heal us. He alone will give us strength to press forward, wisdom to judge clearly, discernment in difficult situations, peace when we are restless, and comfort when fear comes close.

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock." (Psalm 27:4-5) This is my prayer. May you join me in the beauty & love that is our God. He is the sustainer & creator of life. He will be our refuge & our hope. His love abounds to the edges of the earth & the depths of the sea.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction & faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12) Stay close to the father and unlike the flowers, you will not fade away.

One More Day

Life, as strange & bitter as it is, never ceases to surprise me with new & harsh feelings. The cruel end of world, life & death, beginnings & the end….they shock & rattle the depths of my soul. Searching for the light that guides me, the peace that only Christ can provide, the joy that is my hope, the comfort that I can only sometimes feel….God is here, in a new perspective. While I grieve, and cry, yearn & ache…..He watches me. The Lord is my hope; He is my strength when I have none. I am confident & comforted in knowing that when I do not understand the emotions of my heart or the ache of my heart, or how I am supposed to go on, He knows the depth of my soul. Christ has met me there; He is there right now, in my future, in our future….. Pain and life consume every waking movement, each moment that I am here. Knowing that there is a future for me, He is the one who gives purpose, who calls us each to our own end. Though the pain is present, the hope is healing. I’m trying not to be overrun by the grief, but encouraged to live my life in a new way, a better way, a more vibrant way….a way that Christ would ask from me. A life that will give, love, share, encourage, rejoice & LIVE to the fullest extent of Christ’s love as humanly possible.

Sometimes

I wanted to post the lyrics to my recent fav song....
Sometimes it's alright to just be alone
Sometimes it's alright to just stay at home
Sometimes it's ok if we lose our minds
Sometimes it's the only way out of a fight
Maybe we'll fall before we take flight
Maybe you're all I've got to lose
They say it's gray, but we see it white
And if I'm lost, thank God I'm lost with you
Sometimes there's only so much we can take
By the time you arrived, we all needed a break
Sometimes it's ok if we lose our minds
Sometimes it's the only way out of a fight
It's ok to fight back, it's alright if you lose
It's ok to give up, we'll still love you if you do.

This song is "Sometimes" by Seabird. Check'm out....love it.
BTW....i'm back from Mexico, give me a call to hang out!